How do I start to heal

Hello there! My name is jenni. I have experienced two losses in my life and years of infertility. Our first one was in 2016... we were so excited to finally be pregnant with our little one but our angel baby was not in the right place and I had to have emergency surgery to remove pregnancy... this was hard for us. We didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy which at first we thought was a good idea but then when we found out it was ectopic we had to not only tell our families that we were pregnant but we had to remove the pregnancy all in the same conversation... fast forward to may of this year... years later with multiple testing infertility treatments and realizing other than only having one tube left there was no explanation for our difficulty getting pregnant. Two rounds of iui with medications later we finally got a positive test! We were ecstatic that our rainbow baby was finally here and although we were happy we were also scared. I had multiple ultrasounds and testing during the first couple of weeks. At our 6 week ultrasound our baby was found to be in the right spot... so happy! At our 7 week ultrasound we saw the heartbeat and even though we measured a week behind we were so relieved to finally see that sweet little heart beating away! Again relieved and even more excited. I know it is still early but we told our families and close friends, pick out nursery furniture started a baby registry and already started discussing nursery plans and baby shower ideas... crazy I know but we were just so excited! The next week was our first ob appointment. The physician decided to do ultrasound in the clinic well because I work with him and knew how nervous we were and would make us feel better. This is where everything became a blur and one big nightmare. He didn’t see the heart beat but the machine wasn’t the greatest so scheduled for an ultrasound later that day... we still felt everything would be fine so I sent my husband off up north and I would join him later for a nice long weekend. During ultrasound the tech was not nice and the only words I heard were...well I don’t see a heart beat this week... with tears running down my face I left the hospital and immediately called my physician. He confirmed the terrible news that our baby had stopped growing and there indeed was no heart beat... days later my hcg levels started to drop and we scheduled the d&c... at first we got a lot of I’m sorrys and how are you doing...now weeks later nothing...some look at me with sad eyes and I know they want  to understand but they can’t. Others talk to me like nothing happened...am I suppose to just sweep all this pain under the rug? I check in with my husband often...and for the most part he stays so busy and seems to be doing ok... sometimes I feel like me bringing it up only makes it worse for him... I want to talk about it but don’t know how. On my good days,I feel great but then at the end of the day I am filled with guilt for laughing and enjoying my day. We have wanted a child for so long and this pain I feel is undescribable. Pregnant women are all around me and so are babies, not only are my friends and family having children but I also work in obstetrics as a nurse...I am honestly truly happy for them but feel a deep sense of sadness  as to why...why do we have to go through this? Why must we experience this pain? We are ready and well deserving of a child. Why is this blessing taken away from us so soon?

It took everything I had to move forward after our first loss...how am I suppose to do this again? How am I suppose to go to work to a career that I once loved, learned to love again after our first loss and now am suppose to go back and do this all over again? All I see is pain going there and I am not sure I can continue to work where I am. It hurts too much... has anyone else been there? Why does his happen to the best of people, people deserving of a child? i know others experience this pain everyday, I am just to hurt and sad to see anyone else’s pain but my own.

1 Reply

  • Welcome to Share Jenni. I am so very sorry to read about your losses, your long fertility journey to motherhood, and the continued hurt and pain that seems never ending. While I have not walked your same foot steps, I can so relate to the sadness, the guilt, the yearning for a baby, the pain, and the isolation that a loss can bring. Oh my goodness, I can't imagine having to turn around and then work in an environment surrounded by pregnant moms to be and babies! There are several other Share moms on this site who are NICU nurses and/or work with babies and young children. I am hoping that they can offer some insight as to how they coped. I know that men and women grieve differently. It was weeks and months before I felt like my husband opened up. He was totally devastated, but had to suppress a lot in order to survive emotionally. He was working and trying to just maintain normalcy. I think it was all that he could and knew to do, so that he wouldn't crumble along with me. I did talk with a counselor to ensure that all of my feelings were normal. I learned about the stages of grief and in time, I could identify where I was. Honestly, I was back and forth between anger and bargaining for years (and it's normal to go back and forth).

    You do what you think feels best:) There is no one way to do this particular journey. Let those tears fall, journal, blog, break dishes, eat chocolate, walk, repeat. So many of us just didn't know what next step a person is supposed to take after experiencing life's unexpected events. I am sorry for the bedside manner of the ultrasound tech. I had nasty comments from a lab tech at the hospital after losing my son. I guess it just becomes so common for them that they don't even think about how hurtful their words sound to an angel mom's ears.

    Be gentle with yourself, take things one moment/day at a time. It's all we can do and ask of ourselves. This site helped me tremendously through the earliest weeks and months. I hope that it can do the same for you.

    Sending hugs and strength,

    Lindsay
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