Welcome to Share Jenni. I am so very sorry to read about your losses, your long fertility journey to motherhood, and the continued hurt and pain that seems never ending. While I have not walked your same foot steps, I can so relate to the sadness, the guilt, the yearning for a baby, the pain, and the isolation that a loss can bring. Oh my goodness, I can't imagine having to turn around and then work in an environment surrounded by pregnant moms to be and babies! There are several other Share moms on this site who are NICU nurses and/or work with babies and young children. I am hoping that they can offer some insight as to how they coped. I know that men and women grieve differently. It was weeks and months before I felt like my husband opened up. He was totally devastated, but had to suppress a lot in order to survive emotionally. He was working and trying to just maintain normalcy. I think it was all that he could and knew to do, so that he wouldn't crumble along with me. I did talk with a counselor to ensure that all of my feelings were normal. I learned about the stages of grief and in time, I could identify where I was. Honestly, I was back and forth between anger and bargaining for years (and it's normal to go back and forth).
You do what you think feels best:) There is no one way to do this particular journey. Let those tears fall, journal, blog, break dishes, eat chocolate, walk, repeat. So many of us just didn't know what next step a person is supposed to take after experiencing life's unexpected events. I am sorry for the bedside manner of the ultrasound tech. I had nasty comments from a lab tech at the hospital after losing my son. I guess it just becomes so common for them that they don't even think about how hurtful their words sound to an angel mom's ears.
Be gentle with yourself, take things one moment/day at a time. It's all we can do and ask of ourselves. This site helped me tremendously through the earliest weeks and months. I hope that it can do the same for you.
Sending hugs and strength,