This hole in my heart

My name is Sylvia and my story is rather different than anyone I know.  I switched from the deposit shot to the pill and did not know I was pregnant.  I bled my whole pregnancy as if I was not pregnant.  In May, I went in for a pregnancy test and it was positive.  A few weeks later, I was bleeding so much, cramping and I passed something rather large.  For sure I thought I had a miscarriage.  I no longer had pregnancy symptoms.  Fast forward to May, I called the nurses line at my doctors office because I was extremely tired.  To the point I couldn't function.  I went in for a blood test and they said I was pregnant.  I was in shock.  I ended up going in for my sonogram and they said I was 20 weeks.  You read that correctly.  My husband and I were in complete shock.   At that visit, they said I have a UTI.  I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and started taking them.  The next day the doctor emailed me that it was a bacterial infection.  So I go to the pharmacy to get meds for that too.  Fast for three weeks and I am bleeding again.  I went to the L and D department and they said it must be the infection clearing up.  A couple days later, it's bright red blood so I go back to L and D.  They find a blood clot in my uterus.  The doctor orders me to take it easy.  He tells me another visit and I will be admitted.  June 3rd, I am not only bleeding, but leaking.  I go in and they tell me my water broke.  I was in the hospital four days before I broke out with a fever and the doctor tells me I'm going to prepped for my csection.   Sophia and I had a special bond.  When I would talk to her, she would kick me or move around.  I begged and pleaded with her after the doctor said we were going to have her in an hour.  I was 24 weeks and scared.  She kept kicking and moving as if she was telling me it was going to be okay.

After the surgery, I was in recovery and the neonatologist comes in and tells me he needs to talk to me and my husband.  I had the nurses call in my husband and mom since they were waiting for me in the waiting room.  He tells us that Sophia has a 1% chance of making it through the night.  It was the most heartbreaking words we had ever heard.  My husband left the room and my mom was just standing there with the blankest of stares.  Here I am on a hospital bed and I am not sure I will ever see or meet my baby.  That night my husband kept going to see her in the NICU.  When he finally fell asleep, he cried the whole time.  I didn't sleep one bit that night.

The next morning the doctor comes in and says Sophia survived the night.  That it was a miracle.  After 12 hours the nurse said I had to get up and out of bed.  It was so painful but I was determined to see my little baby.  She was 1 lb and 9 oz.  On the eighth day, the doctor's found a bleed in her brain and said the steroids they started the day before did not kick in yet.  They said if she lived she might not be able to see or hear.  She also might have had some learning disabilities.  

My husband had left the NICU when he saw they brought back in one of the machines they had taken her off.  He could not listen to a word the doctor's said.  We went to the cafeteria and I let him know everything the doctor's had said to me.  We both cried non-stop.  We went back in her room for a few more hours.  He had always said if the time came and we needed to disconnect her machines that he would be the one to do it.  That night when we were at home, I had him call every few hours to see if she had improved.  The next morning I called and the doctor picked up instead of the nurse.  She said Sophia had a rough night and was still not responding to the steroids.  A few hours later the doctor called and said she was at 100% on all machines.  Meaning her body was failing her.  

I ran out the door so fast I don't remember doing it.  I sobbed and weeped the whole way to the hospital.  

When we got there, I washed up first and went to her room.  As soon as I saw her I knew it was time.  Her body had already changed colors.  I remember walking out to my husband and just crying.  He knew too.  We decided to have them turn off all her machines and called my mom in the room with us.  She lived two hours without any support.  She was such a strong willed little girl that she didn't let go until we said it was okay.  She passed away June 16.

I am now left with the largest gaping hole in my heart.  All I can do is cry for her.  Cry for all the what ifs and why me.  My heart is so broken and I don't know if this pain will ever get better.  My body is still recovering from the C-section, I have milk coming out of my breasts and my loving arms are empty.  

We are now stuck with the task of finding a mortuary to have her cremated and finding an urn so I can have her home with me.   I keep reading blogs of other parents who have gone through the same thing.  I know I'm not alone and that I am not the only parent who will ever go through this.  It just hurts so much.  

3 Replies

  • In reply to lvazquez:

    First so many hugs to you. I lost my daughter almost 12 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Although It still hurts its not crippling like it was in the beginning. Know you are not alone.

  • So many hugs to you and your husband, Sylvia. We are all here for you, to provide you comfort during this such difficult time, I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet Sophia. May you find support here on Share to get you through this hard journey. I am sure you are flooded with so many different emotions right now. Lean on others and their support. So much love sent to you and your family. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

    Big hugs,
  • Welcome to Share Sylvia. I am so very sorry to read about the loss of your precious baby girl Sophia. Such a pretty name. My heart hurts knowing another mommy had to say hello and goodbye to her baby. You are forced to make decisions that no new parent should ever have to be making for their newborn. I am a loss mom too and found this site days after the loss of our son. We made the decision to cremate and we still have his ashes. I keep thinking we'll spread them one day, but it's going on 9 years and we still haven't made any firm decisions there. There is no timeline here and no one way to do this journey. I know the hurt you're feeling and the emptiness. It's so hard to imagine a life without her. For now, do what feels right to you. Embrace the weeks that you carried her and honor the fight she gave to stay with you. You are and will always be her mommy.

    Sending hugs and strength,