How do you cope after losing a baby

I lost my baby girl at 26 weeks, went in for an ultrasound and they found no heartbeat. Had to deliver still birth, doctor said they umbilical cord had a marginal insertion to the side of the placenta. I am devastated , broken, lost. Its been a month today and had my follow up apt with my doctor who asked me "So what are your plans are you going to try again? " your perfectly healthy". I don't think another baby will ever replace her. I didn't want another baby I wanted her. I must admit the thought of another pregnancy scares me, but I don't want to give up my hopes, its probably too soon as I told the doctor, but I don't want to close that door, I need to heal .... How do you cope? How to you begin to heal? what helps? ..........

10 Replies

  • In reply to SkyPuncher:

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is a pain no one will ever understand, especially bc she was healthy, just like my babay girl. You are not horrible for wanting to try again. I lost my daughter in July and although scared, want to try again. I am still trying to lose the weight and be as healthy as possible. I am just not sure my husband wants to try again...
  • In reply to SkyPuncher:

    Hi Skypuncher, (that name made me smile). I’m
    So terribly sorry for your loss. That must have been so traumatic for you. My heart goes out to you. Can I just say that you are absolutely not terrible for wanting to try again. Some days just knowing that I will try again helps me get out of bed and function like a normal human. I hated that dark in between time where I didn’t know what we wanted to do and whether we were going to try again or not. I needed that forward movement, something to look forward to to get me through the awful grief. We lost our daughter on July 18, 2018. Tomorrow, October 29 th was supposed to be her due date. I have cried so much this past 2 weeks thinking she should be with me and I should be holding her in my arms. But we will get through this. And we all cope how we need to. Be strong. And look to the future. May bright things happen for you! Take care.
  • I don't know either. On Tuesday 10/23 I had back pain at work and as I was 30 weeks I thought it was normal. My sister told me about how she took yoga, and baths and my medical provider had said the same thing the week before. I read an email that day about false labor an auto-send for 30 week pregnant folks- so there I was at work thinking I was weak for telling my staff I was going to spend the afternoon working from home.

    If only I went to the hospital right then. I should have known. I spent the next few hours taking panicked baths and doing cat and cow waiting for my husband. He came home and also chalked it up to back pain, bought me a heating pad and positioned pillows to make me more comfortable.

    I finally insisted we go and by the time we made it to the hospital I was fully dialated and because we thought it was just back pain I went to a hospital without a proper NICU. They broke my water because her head was right there and they didn't believe I would make the transport. I delivered her and she cried and breathed and they got her intubated- the doctors and nurses commented on how now everything was fine, she was going to be okay and we were out of the woods- and we would just be transported to the other hospital.

    The transport team lost her intubation tube because they didn't like the position and after they removed it- they couldn't get it back so my daughter suffocated after 2 hours of life. I never held her alive, just warm and dead and blue.

    I'm dying. This happens in 3rd world countries- not to me. Not to professionals what the f*ck. My poor daughter.

    And I want to try again as soon as possible- I must be terrible.
  • Hi. I know exactly how you feel. I had some bleeding in my 9th and 10th week thought my whole pregnancy was over. After that everything was going smoothly. my gender reveal was going to be July 4th, I had my ultra sound appt to find out the sex on July 1st. On June 27th I was feeling some pain and didn't really pain mind to it since I thought maybe it was my uterus stretching since my belly was huge. And I was discharging that day so then I decided to call my obgyn and ask if that was normal especially since I had developed a fever. The next morning (worst day of my life). June 28, 2018, I started having contractions (which I didn't know what I was having). When I got to the hospital my water had broke from god knows when. I guess when I was having that discharge it was actually my water breaking. All I wanted them to say was that they can save my baby since they saw he still had a heartbeat after they did a sonogram. But because I was 20 weeks they couldn't. I had to give birth because I had developed a bacterial infection and the infection could've got into my bloodstream. After 5 mins of pushing, thankfully my baby was already positioned to come out. I had a little boy 13oz and 9 inches. And a boy was exactly what I wished for. My father had me and my sister and my partner already had a daughter. It was the most horrible day of my life seeing his little body knowing they couldn't do nothing to save him since he was so young. My parents were in Dominican Republic at the time and had to take an emergency flight back home. Every day I wake up and wonder how did this happen. I took me 2 years to get pregnant and I made it half way and just like that it was over. I seriously think It was all a dream and I cry every night. My partner and I got the okay to try again and we're so going for it. I am ready to become a mom. And no other child will ever replace my son, but I know another baby will bring us all the joy in the world. I hope that one you and all of us who have been thru this find peace and less anger at ourselves. I hope that one day you are ready to become a mom again and hope you have the most wonderful pregnancy with a healthy baby.
  • In reply to Noellem04:

    yes the" how are you" questions are hard to answer..especially if i know that person is asking just to ask and doesnt really care.. ive done things with my kids as well after being in hiding for the 1st month or so..i still don't get off at his school to pick him up as I used to I have my oldest get off the car as I don't want to run into anyone... I also do not and have not posted anything on social media...don't have facebook but me and my husband share an instagram account, I don't want people to see me out and think oh shes fine, but they don't know the struggle it was to even get dressed. I know it will be very hard to feel any joy if I get pregnant again, it will be naturally full of fear...of course the stress and anxiety will be there from the pregnancy test and on ....but the moment we both get to hold and hear our babies cry in our arms for the 1st time it will be worth the journey... ill never forget my Gianna, I wish she was still here, I would never want to replace her, its just so hard.
  • In reply to Noellem04:

    The "How are you" questions make me upset the most. How am I suppose to respond? I also hate when someone asks me if I'm going to try again. If I ever did decide to, I don't want to tell anyone. Everyone was apart of my journey with Everly. I was blessed with 3 baby showers, you can imagine all the stuff we have. I ended up giving my closest family members and friends the gifts back and had them return it. I washed and organized all of her clothes just 3 days before she died. I was in hiding the first month, I would wear a hat and glasses if I went outside and would walk behind my husband. It has been difficult. Yes the fb posts of babies being born and the preganncy annoucemnts have been very diffciult. I also do things with my kids but I don't post on social media. I feel like it's going to tell ppl, oh she's fine she went swimming. What they don't know is I was crying hysterical watching my daughter play in the pool and seeing all the beautiful babies. We can feel whatever we want and cope how ever we want. It will take time...don't rush your decision to ty again, I know in my heart that I want to, but I'm not sure when that will happen. I don't trust it, I was brought to the finish line and then...nothing. How can I be happy during another pregnancy and not feel stress?
  • In reply to Misseducated123:

    Hello, I have not put her things away, just cant do it. We didn't have the crib up yet, but we had her car seat ready to go and I just put it away in the garage.... Its hard, its the hardest pain ive ever felt in my life, its been 10 weeks now, I started working out as well, helps a little, spending time with my 2 other kids , 8 and 13 helps to keep me going. But theres this sadness that I carry everywhere I go and some days are just harder than others... I find myself wearing myself out so I can just be tired enough to sleep through the night. My heart tells me I want to try again, but my head is full of fear. I see babies everywhere, women pregnant...it makes me sad and insecure....how do you deal with people or family members approaches? ive had mixed feelings , some people just hug me and say I'm sorry for our loss.. others just avoid it completely which I find gets me mad.. cant understand why...
  • Hi Noelle,
    Our stories are similar and I know what you are going through. On July 1st I lost my baby girl Everly at 39 weeks. She was ready... Not feeling her move prompted me to go to the hospital and no heartbeat. I also delivered still birth to find out the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice and she died of strangulation. The pain I feel is indescribable. Knowing I had this perfect baby inside of me and I couldn't protect her.
    The idea of trying again has to come when you are ready. I still have not decided what to do. Everly was suppose to be the last baby. She was joining a blended family together, my husband has an 18 year old and I have an almost 10 year old. We are unsure of it all. I still have her crib up and just recently put her clothes away. It all takes time. I have looked into bereveament groups but haven't made the call, just not ready. Keeping busy has helped me, I started working out which make me feel good. If you need to talk just reach out. It may be good for both of us.
  • Hello and welcome. I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I lost my daughter 11 years ago, due to Trisomy 18. I can't say there is one single thing that makes it better. No matter what, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve for the baby you wanted. I found comfort in working on a scrapbook, joining March for Babies, donating to a local NICU, and then sometimes just drinking wine alone and zoning out to the TV or computer. Also, know that you are not alone in this, unfortunately, so many of us understand your loss and we are here for you.
    Love and Hugs
    Brandi
  • Welcome to Share. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter almost 12 years ago. Finding Share helped me cope. It gave me a place to vent. A safe place. I spent years blogging. Please know you are not alone. Many of us here have walked a similar path. Sending you a million hugs.

    Samantha
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