Lost my son 3 hours after birth

It has been one month now since my little boy passed away. I woke up the morning of June 3rd with some lower back discomfort that quickly intensified and bleeding. My husband immediately took me to the ER. It turns out at 21 weeks and 2 days I was almost fully dilated. My doctor informed us that because I was so dilated they could not place a cerclage or really stop what was happening and that my water would break and my son would be born then pass away. My husband and I made the decision to transfer to a specialist at a different hospital for a second opinion because we had to try to save our son. The specialist told us the same thing. I had an incompetent cervix that had dilated however he agreed to attempt a heroic cerclage pending good results from an amniocentesis. We were informed that the procedure would likely fail or my water would break during, but we felt we had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Unfortunately my amnio results indicated the start of an infection so the procedure was called off and I was moved to labor and delivery to wait for my water to break. The morning of June 6 it happened. Around 5:25am I awoke to my water breaking. My son was born shortly after at 5:40. He was absolutely beautiful and had a strong heartbeat. He stayed with us for 3 hours then peacefully passed away in my arms. Handing him back over to hospital staff after he passed was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. With him went every hope and dream I had for him. We buried him on the 11th. There is not an hour that goes by where I don’t think about him. I’m starting to get good at telling people I’m okay when in reality I’m nowhere close. Sometimes the grief is paralyzing, but I know that it will get better.

3 Replies

  • Hello and welcome to Share. I am so very sorry that you find yourself here. I lost my daughter 11 years ago, due to Trisomy 18. There are not words in our language to describe the actual sadness of losing a child. Please know you are not alone and so many of us truly understand.
    Love and Hugs
  • My mother had the same problem with her cervix back in 1991, lead to me being born at 24 weeks. My heart hurts for your family! I can not imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying that God will bless you with another opportunity to love and nurture a healthy baby!
  • It's with a heavy heart that I welcome you to Share, where many parents understand the weight of saying goodbye- myself included. I will keep your family close in my thoughts. Share can be a wonderful place to remember our little ones in a space where people understand.