It is when you become a mother that you understand what it’s like to have your heart walk outside your body. ❤️
I found out I was pregnant in May of 2018 - and we were beyond excited! Becoming a mother is what I had been waiting to be since forever.
Yet, my pregnancy was not the easiest. I had nausea from the beginning and extreme fatigue! All I wanted to do was sleep and nothing sounded good to eat. And who said energy and appetite returns in your second trimester? I had NEITHER! In fact, I was becoming even more tired and the nausea was holding on tight. Yet, I put up with it because a beautiful baby was growing inside of me. ❤️
Being 36, I completed all necessary tests and all came back clear thankfully. Our baby was healthy. But unbeknownst to us, a black cloud was making its way over us. It was the beginning of my 19th week when I started to have some cramping in the morning. I thought it odd, but I ignored it. By evening time, I was on the floor and holding my stomach. I could not move! I screamed out in pain! I stayed that way until my husband could come and physically lift me. I even needed help to the bathroom. The pain was UNBEARABLE! I could not sleep on our bed, so the low sofa was my only option - as I twisted in pain until morning.
However, it was too much - I couldn’t tolerate it further, so I called my high-risk doctor in the morning (I am also a type 1 diabetic; yet, my diabetes was never a problem during my pregnancy because I had such good control). My doctor told me that I could take ibuprofen up to 48 hours to control the pain - as he didn’t want me in pain because otherwise the pain would only make my uterus contract and may make me go into preterm labor.
Well it was in week 12 that fibroid tumors had been seen on my ultrasound - which I had actually forgotten about prior to becoming pregnant since they were small at that point and hadn’t really caused me any problems.
My doctor had predicted that the fibroids were degenerating (or: they were competing with my baby for blood, and the fibroids were losing blood). As a result, they were twisting and sending out a chemical, which caused the EXTREME pain!
A few days later, at my anatomy scan, the largest fibroid was measured to be 12 cm, and I had/have a bunch of other fibroids underneath the big one in various sizes. Yet, they were all on one side - the left side - and my sweet baby on the other. The pain did not affect her; only me - which I was fine with, as long as she was okay. Yes, my beautiful baby was a girl - who we had named ‘Bean’ until we found her a real name.
We went home, and I had fibroid degenerating pain again a few days later, then again 2 weeks later after that. ALL causing pain so bad that I couldn’t move!
At my next ultrasound, my baby was measuring one week behind, and my amniotic fluid had slightly lowered. Yet, my doctor did not seem concerned.
Then in week 25, the all too familiar pain returned and I was advised that I could take a narcotic pill - that I had been prescribed - for up to 24 hours to control the pain. I was okay again after a couple of days, but then had a new cramping pain appear a few days later that lasted 30 seconds each time, and happened every 20 minutes. I called my doctor and was told these were ‘Braxton Hicks’. I wondered if this was too early, but being pregnant for the first time, I didn’t know any better.
Well these ‘Braxton Hicks’ lasted all day - spacing out for a few hours - and then coming back every 20 minutes in the later afternoon. I screamed out every time, but after going through fibroid degenerating pain, I told myself to just breathe through.
I did not sleep the entire night and went through this pain until 6:00 AM the next morning. That’s when I went to the bathroom and saw blood (for the first time in my entire pregnancy). I panicked, I cried, and told my Mom to immediately take me to labor and delivery.
They brought in the ultrasound machine and kept moving the wand around my stomach. Nothing. At one point I thought that I heard her heartbeat, but it was only my own heartbeat. I was just so desperate to hear hers. But I knew. She was gone. The doctor looked at me and said “I’m sorry.”
I cried uncontrollably. They took me to a room, where I had to give birth naturally at 26 weeks to my beautiful Bean. In fact, the pain I had gone through were not Braxton Hicks. I was in real labor and had no idea. And when I had first arrived at the hospital - I was already 10 cm dilated. I also had an infection because my beautiful baby had passed days before and I had went into labor days later - having no idea what had happened inside of me.
For those who have also experienced fibroid degenerating pain - I am certain that you can agree that the pain is worse than actual labor! Yes, THAT bad! Thus, my fibroids had unfortunately continued to grow - largest growing to be 16 cm - causing my beautiful baby to lose space, detaching my placenta and causing her death.
She was incredibly beautiful, and so tiny. I held her, cried, and told her not to be scared because she was going to heaven.
It has been a little over a month and a half, and I still cry. I have a hard time understanding how women who do not even want children, use drugs, drink alcohol, and are even willing to throw their precious baby’s into a trash bin - are allowed children - multiple children even. Yet, those who should be, and want to be, mothers - go through such heartbreak. I know all of the cliche remarks, yet, it doesn’t explain such twisted pain.
Of course, I am incredibly thankful for all that I have; as it could have been worse health wise for myself. And even though about one week after delivering my beautiful Bean, I was rushed to the ER because of a fever and strange odor - I had another infection: Endometriosis. I am still very thankful.
I just finished my first period post delivery. And I have an appointment to see a specialist next in order to see what can be done in regards to the fibroids. As well as whether I can carry again, or if I will need a Gestational Carrier.
Can anyone explain God’s will in this to me? How to get through each day? How to be positive after something like this? And has anyone gone through this? Fibroids? What did you do? Is there hope?
Prayers and love to all mothers who have gone through a stillbirth, a miscarriage, or infant loss - a pain that twists the heart regardless of when.
As amazing, loving and supportive as my husband has been, talking to other mothers who have gone through something similar I believe can help calm the heart.
Prayers for rainbows.