Loss a preemie and gained one. Please read

One day I'm at my ultrasound listening to my son heartbeat and feeling and seeing his kick. Two days later I go to the bathroom and see lots of blood. I call the ambulance and get rushed to the hospital. Since I'm having contractions I immediately get taken to labor and delivery. With panick in my heart thinking I'm only 24 weeks. The doctors checked me and I'm already 10 cm but my baby is still feet first.  They rush me for a c section  to deliver my son. While on the table the doctor nip my bladder before taking my son out of me.  Now my son is out into this cold world months early and I'm still on the table because they had to wait for a  urology doctor to come stitch me up. ( I knew nothing about delivering early or bladder  incisions  prior to this day. 12-02-2016 . I have two other boys whom were full term. While on the table still there is a strong smell filling the room. To this day I assume it was from my bladder being cut open. (I stayed on top of all my appointments so I knew nothing was wrong with me or my baby) unfortunately I  develop  an affection this same day after this happening to me. It spread to my son as well. My son is rushed to the NICU ( I knew nothing about a nicu because no preemies were in my family or around me at all) yet here I am. Everything is blurry and all happening so fast for me. He's early and I had a bladder nip. Which left me to have a  c section, catheter and so much pain on top of worry, uncertainty of my baby and all. A doctor was nice enough to take my phone to the NICU and Capture a photo of my beautiful baby boy for me.  Again everything happened so fast I was in a shock of the pic his size and all the wires on him. So I finally get to see my baby the next day. He's so tiny but I held him, smelled him, hugged him, kissed and loved him so very much.  A kind nurse was trying to explain to me all the machines,  noises and NICU surrounding him. I remember them telling me he was becoming stable but not steady enough to  maintain  his stable  vitals . That day I sat there, prayed over him, talked to him and listening to his weak cry all while telling him mommy hear you baby mommy hears you. I touched his hand his little head and kept sniffing him all day. This is 12.03.16. The next day 12.04.16 I went to the NICU to see him again. Same little   Routine  that I thought I'd get used too just for him.  I went back to my room and 1 hour later the doctor said rush mommy to baby. I was so scared when I got there a nurse had him but was putting him back in his  incubator. I'm asking what's going on and with a sad face I was told my baby was gone. All in two days . 12.04.16 . He's gone I'm still in pain from my c section and bladder nip. I had to keep my   Catheter  for almost 3 weeks after. ( THERE IS A TWIST HERE GUYS BEAR WITH ME PLEASE) all the holidays passed. Christmas, New Years etc. I go for my six week check up and decide to get an iud because I was going through it and never wanted more children after all this horrible pain from losing my baby and the trauma of the bladder cut etc. fast forward to Feb I get a Iud placed in me.  At my next check up for my IuD I AM PREGNANT.  I wasn't happy or sad I was still numb just shocked/ numb. Fast forward to July I'm now 25 weeks and I'm labor AGAIN this time with my precious little girl. I'm thinking lord not again please not again. I will give my life just don't let this happen again please. She born at 25 weeks 1lb 8oz. 7.24.17 I'm at the NICU all over again, depressed from my son and idk the feeling to have for my daughter at the time but I know I love her and I'd do anything not to go through that again.  She's here looking just like him and born on the 24th like he was supposed to. Fast forward we are in the NICU 144 days many ups and down. Death scares, surgery scares.  Through it all she pulled through. We were going for surgery (they thought she had NEC ) behold me a doc called me and her father in to show us her X-ray and they say to us "this can't be the same X-ray from yesterday, this looks like a different baby with no  blockage or anything  She came home a year later after his death date on his death date 12.04.17 and mommy's I told you all this because some days, most days idk how to feel with my daughter. I spoil her always but there is this distance I feel as if I didn't have time to grieve and she just took his place so fast. When I look at her I see him. When I hug her or talk to her I see my son who I loss. I am hoping this passes but as she grows it is like wow. He is gone and she is here. Which I am very much thankful for (I hope someone can understand this) . I cry a lot about this feeling that I can't explain to myself.  I just miss my son. This all happened to fast.

2 Replies

  • In reply to lvazquez:

    Thank you so much Lindsay for your healing view and words. Yes my heart is aching and aching very badly. I have been in the dark about this since his passing going on two years now. I didn't have enough time to grief for the loss of my baby boy being she came literally right after. For the arrival of my daughter I still had screen shots in my phone of all the things I was going to buy him. I still had lots of baby clothes at home for him when she came home. Some in which she wear now ( I saved the neutral just for her) I'm going to take your advice and embrace my grief and allow myself to feel it whenever I need too as I am already doing tonight. I have been putting it off for so long in hopes to not affect my bond with my daughter. All I have is his ashes and a few pictures .  I watched a movie tonight (prince of Egypt) and In that movie someone said when god sends us a blessing we don't ask why. I am grateful for my daughter and you are right she has been a welcomed distraction and I'm going to embrace this second chance I was given. I am also sorry for the loss of your baby . You sound like a very strong lady. I thank you again for allowing me to see things a little different then I have been.  

    #One day at a time.

    Sending hugs back,


  • Welcome to Share. You've been through so much that it can take a lot of time for our minds and hearts to process it all. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Rainbow babies could never take another's place and I know that you know that. Our angels will always be with us. Your daughter's arrival, journey through the NICU, and homecoming date have been a welcomed distraction from the grief you feel. Allow yourself to feel it and know that it is normal. No doubt you are missing your baby boy and the precious baby girl you have at home is bringing up all kinds of longing. While I did not have any rainbows, the milestones my older kiddos hit does make it ache a bit, realizing that these are things I will never get to experience with my youngest. The loss of a baby/child is by far the greatest pain that I have ever experienced. This journey is difficult, but with your daughter, you get that chance to try and do all of the things that you wanted to do with your son. It will be different as it's not him, but it sounds like your baby girl is one strong little lady! Know that there will be both good and bad days. When you have more bad days than good, reach out to your doctor. It is always good to get these feelings out. You're doing great, give yourself a break too, and remember one day at a time.

    Sending hugs,