Caiden

I found out I was pregnant on October 11, 2017. Everything went pretty normal. Work was pretty stressful at times (military) but I felt like I kind of managed it well for the sake of my baby. My husband and I were so excited. On my birthday, January 19th, 2018, we found out we were having a baby boy. We decided to name him Caiden. On February 8th i has been having pains all day, and even about a weeks before then. I talked to my midwife and nurses and they said my baby was just growing. I even had an appointment that very day and was told them same. I feel so bad because I felt like it was more to the pain I was feeling, but this is my first baby so I figured they knew what they were talking about. Later that night after class the pain started to become unbearable. My husband drove me to the hospital. By this time I realized I was having contractions and they were almost 1-2 minutes apart by the time I reached labor and delivery. I could barely walk I was in so much pain, I finally made it to check myself in, I went to use the bathroom and saw blood and just began to cry. I was only 21 weeks having contractions and bleeding thinking I had lost our son. My nurse started setting everything up to check the baby’s vitals and I had a terrible contraction and started to vomit and then my water broke, and then even more blood but at this point large clots of blood. To make a Long story short, the doctors told me my placenta ruptured and due to my water breaking my son didn’t have much fluids and continued on to tell me that he wasn’t going to survive. In that moment, life felt so unreal. My husband and I were losing our first and only child and doctors were saying that there’s nothing they could do for our little baby. But Caiden’s heartbeat was normal. He was being so strong for mommy and daddy. I stayed at the hospital for a little over a day. I became frustrated because they weren’t monitoring our baby, I had to keep asking to hear his heartbeat to know he was ok, they wouldn’t let me eat and I was so miserable but keeping it together for the health of Caiden. Later that night I signed an AMA and transferred to a hospital off post. Now before I left, I found out my cervix was opening but they wouldn’t tell me how much I had dilated. Wouldn’t even give me anything for the headache I had been having for hours.  When I reached the new hospital the same night, my bleeding wasn’t so bad and Caiden’s heart rate was still strong. But I was 3cm dilated. I was admitted and everything was going okay, I just needed to hold Caiden in for 8 more days and I could receive steroids to help his little lungs develop more. Doctors made sure my husband and I understood that they wouldn’t be able to resuscitate Caiden if he came at 21 weeks because his lungs and airways were developed enough. We understood but we still had hope. That first day in the hospital went good and then the light pains began, it would hurt every time Caiden would move. My nurses gave me Tylenol to help but overtime the pain got more intense. By 2 am, I was 5cm dilated. I decided to take the epidural. At 403am on 11 February 2018 Caiden was born, his umbilical cord came out first, then his little foot and the doctor delivered him. I asked if he was breathing and she sadly shook her head no. I asked God so many times not to take Caiden from us. I felt like I was being punished, life didn’t feel real for me. I kept hoping it was a bad dream. They laid Caiden on my chest. His little body was so limp and warm. Our baby boy was 14.5 oz and 11 inches long. He was a little fighter. It’s been a little over a week now since he’s been gone and I feel so empty and lost. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I just feel like I could’ve done more, it was my job to protect my son and I feel like I failed him. I should’ve make the doctors listen to me when I said I was in pain. We decided to have our son cremated so he’ll always be with us since we’re leaving for Hawaii soon. It’s so hard not to think about what I could’ve done to prevent this. And I miss the feeling of just feeling his little flutters and hearing his little heartbeat. It’s so hard to wait to have another baby and it’s so scary to think that this all could happen again. It’s hard to be strong. If I didn’t have my husband by my side I probably wouldn’t be alive. I feel like I lost my purpose to live, Caiden was everything to us. My husband wants to wait until we go to Hawaii in October to have another baby and I’m afraid to tell him how much it hurts to hear him tell me I have to wait. I know it’s probably best but I just want a second chance. I want the feeling back. I feel like being a mother was just taken from me and I just want it back. I’m not sure if it makes sense to anyone but I just feel that way.  But I understand that my husband is also going through this with me and I have to be considerate of what helps him get through this as well. I just feel like I let him and Caiden down. He was so excited that he was having a son. And I feel like my lack of commen sense to be more aware of what was going on took that from him, caused us to lose Caiden. I just want to give it all back to him and see that excitement in his eyes again. He’s been so supportive and strong. Wiping my tears and holding me through my breakdowns. I wish I could just go back and do this all over and fix the things that went wrong

2 Replies

  • I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little fighter Caiden. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I know it can feel impossible to stop blaming yourself -- I don't think there's any preemie/NICU/angel mom who has avoided that trap completely. But you did absolutely everything you could've done for Caiden. There are so many factors in pregnancy that we can't control, so many things that can go wrong that we may never understand. You are not to blame. I'll be thinking of you and sending all my best wishes. Please keep us updated on your journey.
    Sending hugs,
    Deanna
  • I'm so very sorry for the loss of Caiden. I can hear the pain in your words and I can't imagine how hard this is for you and your husband. I have no words to make it any easier but I can offer my support and hugs to help you walk this path. Your precious Caiden knew how loved and wanted he was. Lean on your husband and support him too.Together you'll find what helps the two of you.

    Sending prayers for peace in your heart.
    Karri
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