having fears with my 3rd pregnancy after having a preemie and a miscarriage

Hi! I'm Cathy and I'm new to the forum.  Almost 3 years ago, my daughter was born at 28 weeks gestation since I suddenly had severe preeclampsia. Everything was going perfect until I about my 6th month of pregnancy, my husband and I found that my blood pressure was getting consistently high(we bought a blood pressure monitor a month earlier for my mom who will be helping us when the baby arrives. she has hypertension. The BP monitor turned out to be the BEST purchase we had ever made). After a week of high blood pressure and since I was getting a headache, we went to the closest hospital. The hospital did quick tests; aside from confirming my high BP,  abnormal protein in my urine and high uric acid in my blood were found. I was advised to stay overnight for a 24 hour urine test and was given steroids.  I was diagnosed with  severe preeclampsia as the urine test showed I had 5 grams of protein. After further tests, they found that my liver enzymes have skyrocketed in the last 8 hours. I was given magnesium and I had to undergo C-section. Our daughter Elyse was born @ 3:58 AM, weighing 2 pounds and 5 ounces, at a gestational age of 28 weeks and 5 days. Elyse stayed at the NICU for 6 weeks. Now, she is a happy, healthy, thriving (almost) 3-year old girl.

Last year (2013), we found out I was pregnant again. That time around, I was considered high-risk due to my age, previous pre-eclampsia and the premature birth of Elyse. I was monitored more frequently. I remembered for a blood test, about 13 vials of blood were taken to find out if I have blood clotting problems that might have contributed to my pre-eclampsia. Tests showed I didn't have any blood clotting problems. But in my 12th week of pregnancy, I noticed a little bit of spotting so I called up the obgyn and  was asked to come in. The ultrasound showed that the baby no longer had movement...and no more heartbeat. It was heartbreaking, we lost our baby. I had to undergo D&C procedure the next day.  

From D&C procedure, we asked for a chromosomal abnormality test. The obgyn said it's not really necessary. We wanted to have it done anyway since I want to know the sex of the baby and give him/her a name. I was already making a list of possible names for the baby for weeks  before we lost him/her. We still wanted to give a name....we wanted to honor our baby's memory.  Later on, we found out our baby was a girl and the reason for my miscarriage was because the baby did have chromosomal abnormality (Trisomy 21). We decided to name our daughter Johanna  which means God is gracious. 

Right now, I am 16 weeks pregnant. I am battling with fears. When I was about to reach 12 weeks with this pregnancy, I was so scared. I was kind of re-living the days that led to my previous miscarriage. Last month I even had a nightmare. I woke up moaning and almost crying. In my dream, I gave birth already and realized that my baby was born at 16 weeks. I was looking for the baby in the hospital and couldn't find the baby. In my dream, as I was searching for my baby in the hospital, I was asking people where my baby was and how it could survive at 16 weeks. I could feel all the emotions of my pain and sorrow as I woke up. Now, whenever I go to the bathroom, I always check if there is some spotting.  In my 12th week obgyne appointment, I was scared that my doctor won't find any heartbeat again. So far, everything is going smoothly (except of course the morning sickness). I will have my 16th week check up with my high risk doctor tomorrow.  I am praying everything will be fine.

I am still battling with fears especially with thoughts of having another preemie....thinking it would be harder this time since we have another child to take care of. We also recently moved, so we are farther from the hospital where Elyse was born.  I am happy about this pregnancy, but at the start of my pregnancy I did not feel as bonded with this baby. And I felt so guilty about that.  I hope to enjoy this pregnancy more. To have more faith and hope. 

 I'd love to hear some thoughts if anyone can relate to what I'm feeling and to my fears.

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