A Mother's Loss

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The day I found out I was pregnant was the best day of life. Each week that went by I grew more and more in love with being pregnant and with my unborn baby boy. Everything seem to be going well. I had the normal aches and pains of pregnancy, but nothing to alarm me that my world would soon be forever changed.

At nineteen weeks pregnant after coming back from dinner while on vacation I felt something weird in my vaginal area. I looked at my cousin and said something is wrong! Something is in my vaginal area! Just like that my water had broken. I remember saying my baby is going to die and crying out for help. The ambulance came and to the hospital I went. I will never forget that night. It seem like every person that enter my room said sorry. I was confused! What’s going on is my baby died, will I have to have him tonight? No one gave me the answer I needed to hear.

I spend the night at the hospital in Kansas. Afraid away from my family, but I had my cousin who was just awesome and never left my side. The next day I had an ultrasound and it showed that I had no fluid at all but my cervical length was 5. The doctor said I could be discharge and drive 8 hours back to Kentucky. I will never forget my home doctor on the phone telling them that was the most stupid idea ever, but nevertheless they still discharge me.

Was I doomed to lose everything? Just days before my water broke I had found out my boyfriend of two years was living a double life. He was from California and when I found out I was pregnant he was in California visiting his family or should I say getting married to his other baby momma. He made sure he took off his ring before returning home. How could I be so stupid and be so in love with a man to whom was so deceitful.

When I finally made it back to KY I was admitted to Norton’s health care. I was told that I could make it through this which gave me hope. I was also told that I could get an infection get sepsis and die or have to have my uterus removed, therefore never having babies again. I didn’t care all I wanted was to give my baby boy a chance of life. I remember as I was trying to process everything…. my boss calls me and she says I have to fire you because you use your FMLA up when you had foot surgery. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, but I determine not to stress over all the things I had already loss, so for one month I made it. I was on bedrest couldn’t do anything. I gave it all I had. Turns out my best just wasn’t good enough.

The pain started and I knew this time I was in labor. I couldn't imagine how bad the pain would be.....the pain of labor, but even worse the pain of the neonatal doctor telling me my sweet baby boy is gone. For 9 mins I had a beautiful alive son fighting for life, but at the end his small body just wasn't strong enough to continue on and his heart stopped. For 9 mins I had hope!! I will never forget that horrible feeling in my heart I felt. I screamed in pure emotional agony. Just that fast I felt like God had let me down. As I held him in my arms he looked like he was at peace. I started to calm down enjoy my time with him. He has my nose I thought and my feet. The hardest thing was having to say goodbye... I kissed him and told him I loved him as my mother wiped my tears away and held my hand. I know the pain I feel right know will ease in time. One things for sure heaven got angel on 7/13/16

After the funeral and the world has forgotten a mother heart still aches for her baby. Her days still feel long and empty. They say words don’t hurt but when his father was informed he said… “I’m glad he is died” This isn’t a little boy I’m talking about, but a 44 year old man. I will never forget those words it cut me like a knife and still when I think about those words I break down in tears. People think their words help, but the worse of them all is…… it was God’s plan. Was it God plan to give me joy, but decided I wasn’t worthy of the joy so he took my baby away?

On 7/19/16 I lay my sweet boy to rest. He will always live on in my heart and soul. There is no greater love than the love a mother shares for her children. Every day I wake up and think the nightmare is over, but then I touch my belly is reality sets in. Today not even tomorrow will be goodbye, but till I see you again. Until that time I will always have an angel shining down on me. Mommy loves you Kayden today, tomorrow, and always!

 


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  • Welcome to SHARE.  I am so sorry to hear if the loss of your sweet Kayden.  I lost my baby girl almost 10 years ago and I still miss her and think of her daily.  Know you are not alone, there are so many other mom here who have walked a similar journey of loss.  Many hugs to you.

    Much Love

    Samantha