Still in shock - He's gone for eternity . . .

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I'm not sure where to begin, but here goes . . . this was my third pregnancy - our last baby boy for certain. I remember the ultrasound on 12/11/08 when we saw what looked like outdoor plumbing! Three musketeers! We were so happy (very fitting for a French teacher)! So, I'm high risk. My first son was born 2 months early in Nov. '05 and spent 3 weeks in the NICU.  I developed chronic hypertension. I was so swollen, had the magnesium drip, and steroid injections for lung development. Serious stuff and a very scary experience! When we found out that we could have more children, but that they'd be c-sections, we knew we wanted to try again and were willing to expect the NICU experience again, but hopefully not. I think in worse-case scenario land, so when my second son was born at 34 weeks in Aug. '07, I was prepared.  I had lost almost all of my amniotic fluid at a weekly ultrasound and went straight to the hospital.  There is much more to this cutie's story (see blog).

We just didn't feel done, but knew that if we going to try for a third, we'd better hurry up. My husband and I agreed that it would be best to get the whole diapering baby phase all done at once and we wanted the kids close in age.  We got pregnant soon after my second son turned 1.  Fertile yes, but can't seem to carry a baby to term.  I planned so much for this baby; I can't even explain in detail how much we both planned and were anticipating his arrival.  This last pregnancy was going great. My morning sickness even subsided earlier than with my other two. It was awesome! I even recall my OB telling me how good I looked. I was full of energy! I did go on bedrest at 21 weeks and that's also when I had an unexpected and very unwanted transfer of care to someone super unfamiliar with me and my condition.  

So, I went on bedrest right at the beginning of January. I was seeing a Specialist for my second ultrasound. This guy thought it best to have some bloodwork done to figure out why I delivered early - maybe a rock unturned or something like that. I didn't have these tests done with my other two and I thought it strange to do them with this pregnancy, but I'll play along I thought. When the test results came back, he said that I have something called Factor V Leiden and some other weird MTHFR (two bad chromosomes I guess) that indicate I am prone to blood clots (and even more so when pregnant).  He is telling me that he wants to put me on Heprin (what?!) at 21 weeks. A pump that would be attached to my abdomen until I delivered. I was really not excited about it.

On this same day, I had a regular OB appointment and he tells me that this is our last visit together because he wasn't getting his contract renewed-didn't invest in the practice, etc. So, feeling totally abandonned, I am really wondering what I should do about the Heprin, etc. I went online to do some research and I even called the Specialist because I had questions. He didn't want to speak with me over the phone and I made the decision not to do the pump. I felt that I would be putting my health and the baby's health at risk and I hadn't done this with the others, so why now? Why this baby? Just, what?

I meet my new OB. I only had TWO prenatal visits with her at the same practice. We weren't on the same page from the beginning and I had good reason to be in tears when making the appts. to see her.  Doom was on its way!  I remember everything before the saddest day of my life was about to happen. Things I said, thought, where I was in the house, etc. Okay, jump forward a few weeks and we are now at Thursday, March 5th, 2009. I had been having some discomfort in my vaginal region, but nothing painful. I thought, I shouldn't be lifting my 19 month old to change his diapers. I need to start doing that on the floor.  My husband comes home and I am telling him how I'm feeling and I had been feeling tired and bit a swollen. All normal signs and what I experienced before.

We get in the car and doesn't feel comfortable. While he goes in to rent some videos, I call my OB. I get in touch with her and she tells me that what I am describing is normal - drink fluids, stay off feet, rest, etc. were the suggestions and if anything cahnges, call.  I feel better that I called, but that's it.  I get home, eat dinner, rest, and go to bed or try to. About 8:30 the discomfort that I was feeling earlier was gone completely, but now I have cramps. I have never gotten to the delivery phase as all of my babies were born c-sections and somewhat urgent there. The pain doesn't subside and I can't sleep. I'm feeling more pressure like I have to urinate, but nothing happens there when I try. I take Tylenol and still no relief.  It's only when I got extreme chills, did I think something really isn't right here. I woke up my husband and told him that I was going to the hospital. Not to worry - I was awake, I mean the adrenaline was pumping (explains the chills). I called my OB on her cell to let her know what I was experiencing and she said yes, go to the hospital.

I get on the freeway and I start to feel a trickle, and then more trickle, and get to the hospital super fast! I park as close as I can to OB Triage and my water breaks or what I think is just my water. I'm stripping off my clothes and reciting my complete medical history to nurses who are trying their best to keep up with me and I'm seeing a lot of blood and now I know something is wrong. I called my husband to tell him that I got there okay and to call my parents who live 45 min. away to come up and watch the kids, so he could meet me at the hospital. Then, a nurse comes in with a fetal heart monitor. She's really taking her time and I'm not hearing what you should hear. She asks me when I felt movement last and that's when it dawned on me that even after I had drunk two huge glasses of milk before going to bed, there was no movement. And she said, "Honey, I'm no expert, but I'm not getting a heartbeat." At that moment, I was just in shock. I still am. My baby was gone.

I think I even might know when his last moment was or at least maybe he was trying to tell me. A day earlier I felt him do a huge flip in my belly. I've never felt anything like that with either pregnancy. It didn't hurt, but it was so strong that it raised me out of bed and I even mentioned it to my husband. He was just like, yeah, the baby is growing. Well, who knew? My lame OB is coming in and telling me the same news and showing on ultrasound, etc. I was really concerned at how I was going to deliver. I was bleeding out and I was in PAIN and . . . I was alone. She told me that she would do a c-section and be putting me out completely. I told her that I wanted my tubes tied and she was very hesitant. I couldn't do this again and of course I've thought about that decision a lot in recent weeks, but I know that I made a good choice for myself there. She looked around for my husband and I was like,"I drove myself here. He's at home with the kids!" She couldn't believe it at all. I had to make the worst phone call of my life and tell my husband that I had lost our third and last child. He broke into tears immediately. I didn't cry-still in shock. My OB wanted to check with him about my decision and he was a sweetie. "Do whatever she wants," he said. 

It took 5 tries with ultrasound to get an IV started. That's why I lost 60% of my blood and had to have 8 transfusions. I told my husband that I would see him in recovery and that I'd be okay. Somehow I knew that I'd be okay. When I woke up, I saw my father who gave me the thumbs up and left abruptly. He hates hospitals and had driven my husband. My husband is there sitting in a chair. Immediately, my OB is suggesting that we hold the baby and of course I know why. The pictures that were taken immediately after delivery were very well done and his color was good. He was perfect and really, when one of the nurses had said those exact words, I am still thinking that he's okay and there's divine intervention somehow. Then, I held him and I just couldn't believe that hours before he was inside me and my life was as I knew it. The nurses were great - very caring. We decided to have him cremated. We picked up the ashes about a week or so afterward. I've had to leave the hospital without a baby before and it was awful, but I knew that I could come back and he'd be there. When we left the hospital this time, it was so hard. I cried the entire way home and as soon as we pulled up to our driveway, I quickly pulled it together for the sake of my other two kids.

The bruises on my arms of where I received blood transfusions (plasma/red blood platelet) are gone now. My husband gives me two shots 12 hours apart - a blood thinner called Lovenox. I have 2 1/2 more weeks to go there. I have received cards from friends and a nice colleague organized dinners and things. It's been really helpful, but there are those nights when I just can't sleep. I guess I understand why my OB prescribed Ambien. I've only taken one pill. I don't really want to rely on that stuff, so eventually I fall asleep. I had just bought another full size bed for my two boys to eventually share a room this Fall. I just bought some scrapbooking supplies off of E-bay for his baby album. I just had put onezies and swaddle blankets in one of my dresser drawers. I was only a week or two shy of meeting him due to how I had been feeling. The Specialist I was seeing would argue that if I had gone on Heprin, this would have never happened. Other Specialists argue that it still could have happened.  Not enough research to say for certain . . . Heprin is supposed to help prevent blood clots, but the OB is supposed to diagnose the preeclampsia.  Fail:(


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  • Oh , I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy.  I also lost our third child, Sofia, in Oct. 08. She lived for seven days in the NICU and then developed an infection.   I know it's really hard to deal with this, especially when you have things out for the baby, getting ready for them.  I did take the Ambien for a little while at the beginning, it really helped me sleep.  We also went to support group meetings at the hospital where she was born and died.  I'm glad you found Share, it really helped me in the beginning of grieving.  I hope you find some comfort here.  Thinking of you and your family.

    Kelly

  • I just read your post and I can't imagine what you are going through.  I am so sorry for your loss and you are in my prayers

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  We lost our twins just over a month ago.  Your story brings tears to my eyes.  I'm so glad you've found Share though.  It has helped me so much these past few weeks.  I hope you can find some comfort here too.  It's a place where people can truly say that they understand what you're going through, only because many of them have been there before.  I had one lady tell me to feel what I want to feel whenever I want to feel it.  And that still holds true!  I will tell you that each day will get a little easier.  Don't trap yourself in the land of "What If".  I found myself stuck there for a while and was miserable.  Until someone invents a time machine, there's unfortunately nothing we can do about the past.  But oh, I wish we could!!!  I was also able to find comfort with our son (similar to your story - he was born at 32 weeks and was in the NICU for three weeks).  I found (and still find) that he is a pleasant distraction.

    You're in my thoughts and wishing you all the best,

    Sarah

  • Thank you to all for responding.  It really felt good to get that story out.  It's strange how you recall certain details when you tell the story.  I am trying not to balme myself and go down that road.  It's hard because a few days before this happened, I did think about maybe going to the hospital to get checked out.  I started to see the signs of preeclamsia.  I had an OB appointment the following Monday, so I thoguht I'll just wait and tell her then.  If I could get any moment back, that would be it.  Still I'm told that one has to see an abruption happening to do anything.  Of course they could always take the baby early, but if you've had a preemie before, you know that days inside the mother are so crucial and even one more day can make all the difference when it's lung development, etc.  I can't blame myself, but I guess as the mom, you know, you feel responsible somewhat.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone.  I am trying to appreciate what I have right in front of me.  I had all of this etra love stored up for our baby and I wish I could just dump it right on top of my others.  I'm trying.  I am still grieveing.  I was pregnant for 30 weeks and so I figure, it's going to take me at least that long to go a day without crying. Thank you again for sharing and reading my post.  It's really helping me.  My husband tells me that I need to get my words out.  

    Lindsay

  • I am so sorry of your loss, my daughter was born march 9,2009 she was 20 weeks... I am having a rough time.... but hopefully it will get better....

  • Hello and welcome to Share.  I am so sorry for your loss, I too know that pain as I loss my daughter 9 months ago and nothing has been the same.  Know that you could not have found a more loving and supportive community.  The incredible people on this site have been able to do more for my spirit than people I have known all my life.  I hope you continue to post/blog as writing has been a temendous outlet for me.  

    I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this impossible journey!

    Take good care,

    Yolonda

  • Hi I lost my baby boy at 39 weeks date odf my c section ,few hours earlier and the baby was alive cord accident ,why it happens ,will never know , I think now more then ever I am blesse with what I have 2 healthy boys, the pain is there so the memories of the tragic loss it' impossible not to think about a baby's life gone too soon. You get mad at yourself at the world at the doctors at the people who send you stuff in the mail ,neighbours ,family friends ,and so forth that don't even acknowlde that baby of yours is gone ,but it's no their fault, I made a promise to my baby Jake after this tragedy ,don't sweat the samll thinghs and be more compassionate of others and I am still working on it. It takes time so I'll just have to wait.

  • Welcome to Share. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, my heart was breaking as I read your story. I hope that you are able to find some comfort and healing here.

    Katie

  • Lindsay,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and hope you are doing ok. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family.

    Take good care,

    Jo

  • I am so sorry for your loss.  It's so hard to understand why these horrible things happen, but please don't blame yourself.

    I hope that you are able to find some comfort and peace in the days to come.

    Nicole

  • Thank you for your kind post on my introdution. I just read your story and I am so sorry about your loss :-( I can't even imagine the emotions that something like that must bring out. I hope that he is finding ways to make you smile even though he isn't there with you. Best wishes and hug your big boys!

  • Thank you for Sharing your Story! I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not easy I know. Hoping you're feeling better, I know it's not easy trying to cope with this huge pain. I've had two losses and all I can is blame myself although a thousand people say it's not my fault that I couldn't have done anything different to change it. Yes, we know! But those babies were inside of us we were trying to protect them and it feels like we failed. We just can't help to think it's our fault. *sigh*. I hope you're doing better. And thank you for your wonderful words on my story.

  • I've tried to send you a message but your name won't come up in the options. I wanted to thank you for an awesome weekend and being so welcoming to me. Maybe your message thing is turned off? I hope your return home from Chicago was a great one!

    Cassie

  • What an amazingly strong woman you are. Such an incredible story you have endured. I am here for you. Hugs!

  • I am so sorry for your loss.