Tulips and Butterlies---In memory of Jaxson James Holman

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On June 13, 2014 at my ultrasound Appointment my world came crashing down around me. I was 32 weeks pregnant with a boy I'd named Jaxson James Holman. I was engaged to be married to his father on 6/21/2014 which was also the date of my baby shower. I'd had a pretty normal pregnany. Aside from horrible morning sickness throughout the day and swelling it was pretty normal.  I had noticed prior in the week that he had slowed down in moving. Jaxson was very active! I had an appointment that Friday so I said I would just mention it to my doctor. I had gone to my appointment and expressed my concerns--The Dr. had gone through the routine of asking me how I felt and just routine questions My husband had just walked in as we were rounding the corner to the ultrasound room. We got to room and they tried listening for the heartbeat...nothing...she tried several spots and asked where he normally was and I showed her...still nothing.  She  then offered comforting words, "saying she was new and that maybe she just wasn't doing it right'. She then called in a nurse who assisted her with an ultrasound. She rolled over my belly several times and I saw no movement yet she was still offering encouraging words. At this moment I knew that I had lost my precious baby boy. At this point the large room

became very small to me it was filled with nurses fighting back tears and comforting my Husband and she confirmed our worst fears, there was no movement. They told us that we would have to go UAMS to confirm. My husband and I wiped away our teams and began calling family to meet us at the hospital.  When we arrived at UAMS we were checked into Labor and Delivery and a Doctor came in and did another ultrasound where he could not detect a heartbeat. At this time our families had arrived and were allowed in the small room with us. The Dr. advised he would have to get a second opinion before confirming. With tears in both doctors eyes they confirmed to us that Jaxson had infact passed. How could this be? We were just in the prior week and he had kicked the fetal heartbeat monitor off.  The doctors explained they were unsure at this moment what had happened. I asked them what do we do next? He advised that my labor would have to be induced, he said I didn't have to do it that night I could come back. I decided that I wanted to do it then. Over the next couple minutes while the nurses worked on getting our room ready. It finally hit me that Jaxson was gone. My heart began to ache literally. I watched as my husband tried to comfort me. But I was inconsolable at this point. My mother and inlaws were there comforting us as well. I had a close cousin who came in and prayed for me and It gave me so much comfort. I was able to deal with all the many decisions we would have to make. Who would we call for burial? What would we dress him in? Can we dress him? I was finally wheeled to a room that I noticed was at the very end of the hallway---it was not one of the suites that I had looked at previously. It was huge. With beautiful hardwood floors and lots and lots of room. I later found out this was a special room for mothers in my situation. When we made it to our room it was filled with Aunts and family and friends who wanted to share in this joyous occassion despite the circumstances. I have 2 sisters, one who is stationed in Japan in the AirForce, and one in Dallas. They both began making arrangements to get here. My sister from Dallas of course would be there that night. It was sometime before they put in the pitocin. During this time my husband I began to think about funeral arrangements. I asked my mother to go home and get one of many outfits I had purchased as the nurse advised we could dress him. At this point my childhood Pastor had made it and he offered a prayer for my family and our Angel baby. I called the funeral home I had used the year before for my Dad and they agreed to come pick up my baby once I was ready. A couple hours later I was given the pitocin and pain medicine to make me comfortable. I remember looking around the room at all the family and friends that were there in support of us and being so thankful. My labor did not progress through the night in fact by that morning they were suggesting inserting more pitocin. I woke up several times throughout night. One particular time I awoke to a beautiful bracelet on my arm with his name. The nurse told me that Jaxson would have a matching bracelet as well. I had my epidural placed in as I was starting to feel contractions. The next morning June 14, 2014 at 8:27 am Jaxson James Holman was born. There were no efforts to resuscitate him. He was whisked away by doctors and nurses to be dressed so that my husband and family could have time with him. It felt like hours waiting. But they had dressed him and wrapped him a blanket and placed in a bassinet. They wheeled him in and my husband and I held him. He was so tiny in that outfit he weighed 3 pds and was 17 1/2 inches long. He had on a matching hat and we removed the hat to see his beautiful, full, head of hair. I looked at his toes and fingers. I undressed him as I wanted all the memories I could get. Their was a photographer available to capture pictures as well. This was a perfect moment inspite of. Families came and held him and loved on him and we held him some more. We just were not ready to let go of our precious Angel. I released from hospital the following Sunday, Father's Day. I left the hospital with no baby, just a blue satin box with a teddy bear inside and the outfit they had dressed him in. I was heartbroken. My mother and sister handled funeral arrangements for me. My sister ordered an outfit for him to be buried in. His funeral was the following Thursday June 18, but it did not make it anytime. I was crushed once again. We had a beautiful graveside service with a balloon release.  My husband and I were married June 24,2014 a beautiful ceremony overlooking the Arkansas River.Over the next few weeks I was determined to return to work as soon as possible. I needed something to do I could not just sit at home. I returned to work with a desire in my heart to help others in my situation. At my 5 week post partum appointment we were told that I had a bloodclot in the placenta. I had somewhat received closure. Months later I found out we were expecting again! My husband and I had mixed emotions we decided to trust God. I found a wonderful, caring, and just hands down the best, Dr. Brian Burton had a plan from the start and listened to my endless lists, rants, and raves. At my 6 weeks appt he started me on enoxaparin injections, daily injectionsI had to give myself in my belly everyday until I delivered. At 25 weeks I began nonstress tests weekly. Our Doctor advised since I was on shots I would need to be induced in order to get epidural. But God! I went in Sunday May 3rd at 9 and Monday May 4 morning I told my husband there is something down there nurses looked and went to scrambling. It was baby time! No time for epidural so I just had to push. My doctor who worked so hard with us to get Mason here didn't even make it. At 5:48 our rainbow baby was born. And we've been thanking God for our second chance ever since!

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