On May 13, 2021 my son Asher Nathaniel Ellis was born still. After carrying him for over 41 weeks I had my labor induced by my midwife because his fluid levels were low. My labor process seemed pretty steady and normal & my pregnancy had been beautiful with no complications.
After laboring for over 30hrs it was time to push! I tried so hard but after an hour he would not come down far enough. His heart rate began to decel. Since I’d chosen home birth we had to call an ambulance. They came and transferred me to the hospital. When I got into triage it was confirmed that my baby’s heart had stopped beating completely!!!! I screamed and screamed ....& my body could not stop pushing.
I was wheeled into the operating room... given anesthesia...& when I woke up I was told my baby truly didn’t make it. He died.
I screamed and cried ...my dreams of caring for my baby ...my dreams of a beautifully planned home birth and vaginal birth after c-section (I have a 5 year old) ...all erased forever! This was supposed to be a healing experience after having a c-section 5 years ago ....but it was horrific and traumatic and my baby is gone.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m afraid we may never have anymore children because I don’t know if my body or mental health can take the thought of losing another baby ...I’ve also been thinking about me possibly dying if there was a next time .....it’s all so much to consider. I didn’t want our oldest son to be alone ...I wanted him to have a sibling to share memories with ...but it might not be in the cards for us ....that’s hard to come to terms with.
We are broken right now and hurting and my body is in so much pain physically.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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