On October 30th 2021 I went into preterm labor at 26 weeks 3 days with my first child. October 29th was like any other day and then overnight/morning I started having contractions and then slight spotting. Once I was sure I was having contractions I called labor and delivery at the hospital and made my 40 minute drive there. I never made it out of the triage room there. Nobody would come to check me, I was told the doctor was 15 mins away at a hotel, and therefore I could not have any pain meds. The monitors showed the baby's heart rate dipping during contractions and returning to normal in between contractions. I got to a point where I had to push, I wish I wouldn't have there was just so much pressure I couldn't help it. When I did my water broke and my baby boy's foot popped out simultaneously. A doctor that was at the hospital (not from my doctor office) came in as well as other nurses. Since I had PROM and the baby was footling breech I was taken to the operating room for an emergency c-section. It was like an episode of Grey's Anatomy in there as they tried to make a plan and had several people working on me all at the same time. They had to cut me side to side and up and down inside creating a T shaped cut so I will only be able to have c-sections for future children. When I woke up in the recovery room they did not have me on enough pain medication so the nurse got that straightened out. I was shown pictures of my sweet baby boy, who at the time was on a vent due to his immature lungs, but doing well. His doctor came in and told us he had a 85%-90% survival rate. I was taken to mother baby and was brought a pump to begin pumping since I planned on breast feeding. We were not updated on our baby until 5 o'clock when the doctor came in to ask us if they could transfer him to another hospital with a better vent to which we agreed. I had to take a covid test in order for them to send him which was negative. By 5:30 the doctor returned and sat down on the couch in my room to inform us that the baby would likely not survive transport and if he did he would be suffering severe brain damage. I stopped pumping and was taken to the NICU to hold my son for the first and last time. We chose to hold him on the vent at first and then had to pick when to remove the vent. There was no other option at that point so it was not really much of a choice yet still the hardest decision we had to make. I held him until he passed in my arms after only 7 hours and 52 minutes of life after birth. I just wish I was checked in triage before PROM and that they would have sent him to the better hospital while he was doing well. We had a chromosome study done with the placenta as well as an autopsy. Everything was normal except his lungs were immature. I miss him so much, my Grayson Lee. I feel like people who have never lost a child just don't understand. It hurts every single day even though I try to cope by visiting his grave, putting up a Christmas tree dedicated to him, hanging his pictures on the wall. It's hard to be happy for other around me that are getting pregnant and having babies even though I want to be happy for them. I just wish I could bring my baby home too. Its hard going into public where there seems to be babies and baby items everywhere. I will never understand why I could not bring home my baby when I tried to do everything right while pregnant meanwhile there's people out there who are smoking, drinking, and or doing drugs and all kinds of things while pregnant bringing home their babies. As much as I'm struggling and as painful as this is I know God has a plan that is better than anything I could come up with on my own and I am trusting in it. God's plan over ours was our motto from the time I found out I was expecting. We put it on a onesie for our announcement and again on hoodies for our gender reveal, now it is on Grayson's tombstone.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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