I know nobody’s going to read this, but i’m going to write this and post it anyways. Today is my birthday, I am currently 14. I wanted to write this before I sleep and my birthday will be over.
Everybody has a story, but i didn’t think mine would still be going to this day. As a kid I never really questioned much, why mom and dad were passed out on the bathroom floor all the time; or why there were needles everywhere in their room. It was just the way things were, I don’t think my childhood was bad, some may agree or disagree. My parents were addicted to drugs, and fought all the time. Eventually they were admitted to a recovery institution, leaving me with my grandparents for a bit.
Me and my family moved to a new house soon after they came out of the institution; before we moved we stayed with my other grandparents for awhile while we looked though. This went on for awhile. After moving I was somewhat happier though , I could finally settle down in a place to call home.
Even though i grew up like that, I was a good kid. i got good grades, had so many friends, and was popular in my school. I loved school and looked forward to it everyday, i even wanted to go in when i was sick. it wasn’t always like that at school though. I used to not fit it, i got pulled out of class by different adults every week in school to talk about my home conditions and how i viewed my parents. I was just in elementary so i didn’t know nor did i question what any of it was.
That’s just the beginning though, my elementary school year ended and my middle school years started (2020). I was excited! I was excited to see all my friends and get older. I honestly couldn’t wait for the future. If anybody does read this, then they know covid-19 started and quarantine happened. I had school online for my first year in middle school, i didn’t like it but what could i do.
Days passed by, then weeks, then months. All of that time sitting in your house, you start questioning things. But i never once questioned anything, it was new. “Why'd all that happen in my past?” “Whats wrong with my parents?” “am i normal?” “is my childhood normal?” Useless questions like that. I didn’t think the new term question would adapt into more, so so much more than i wanted. my grades completely plundered and school just became an obstacle in my life. If i look back on it now, I can’t remember what i did all day.
Eventually school wanted to start bringing in kids to come publicly, my heart sank at the thought. I didn’t know why i felt like this but, i didn’t question it! i told my dad to decline but my mom decided otherwise. the day i had to go back kept itching closer and closer, and i was getting worse and worse. i felt like i wanted to cry and throw up, i didn’t know this feeling. the day came and i sobbed all morning, then the next and the next. it was an endless cycle, i didn’t wanna go to school but i didn’t know what was so bad about it. It got so bad one day i decided to try to suffocate my self the night before, i was 11. i never did anything like this, maybe i was doing it for attention, maybe i did it to feel something. i came to a conclusion i was being dramatic after thirty minutes had passed and i was still alive. i don’t know why but i went and told my parents what i did that night. to my success i didn’t go back and ended the year online.
Summer ended and seventh started, the night before i bawled for hours, why? the day i went back wasn’t bad, i talked to all my elementary friends and i was happy. So why did i hurt myself that night? why didn’t i go to school the next day? why did i bawl infront of my mother the next day? I didn’t know, i didn’t know why i felt the way i did. i hoping and praying every single night before school id get sick so i could skip school for just one day.
i harmed myself everyday, cried everyday, and searched up stupid videos on “how to get sick fast.” then it escalated to more when my mom didn’t accept me skipping. i took a handful of random pills, at first it’s just to skip school and “i’ll only do it once to get sick.” But it felt so good i started doing it to get out of school on days i didn’t know what excuse to use. It worked so well i started doing it once a week to skip, then i got hooked. i was no better than my parents, i took random pills everyday just to feel something and get out of school.
I never did any of that in hopes to die, but i knew deep down i didn’t care if i died from it. one day it got so bad i threw up every five minutes for a day straight, it was horrible and i hated it. But i did it again, and again and again but ended up in a hospital a few times because of that, i loved being in hospitals while school was going on, it felt like a valid excuse to skip. because i thought wanting to harm myself wasn’t a valid reason to skip school. eventually my parents found out and i had to fess up, in my scans and blood tests there was a big amount of different things, but i can barely remember what i took. My parents hid all the pills away. I never went back to school after that day
(i was 12 turning 13).
All my friends were worried but i just isolated myself and didn’t tell them anything. the questions started swarming my mind again, but now it was questions on ”if i should even live anymore.” i was not going to school anymore so why'd i feel like this still? i was angry, sad, and confused i didn’t know what to do with my life anymore.
My room had a roof i could walk on, i broke the screen back when i was a kid and it became useful that year. I walked on my roof, and looked over the ledge down at the ground of hard cement. i did this e.v.e.r.y day, i wanted to die, i wanted to jump. i didn’t just wanted to get an excuse to get out of school anymore, i wanted to die, i didn’t want a future. I wanted to end my story and thought i wouldn’t make it to my 13th birthday. But i did, never had the balls to jump lol. i went out with friends more often when i was 13 my parents even put all the pill bottles back, especially during the summer after the end of 7th. i was becoming happy, at least i thought so. i was still confused, i didn’t know if i was happy, i smiled and laughed all the time but if i dropped dead right then and there would i care? no.
And again, a new school years started. i was more confident this year, but was i ready for school? no again. after only a week and a half of school and i’m reaching into the pill cabinet again. i couldn’t swallow pills without throwing up anymore, so i tried to crush it up and just eat it with something. bad idea lol i don’t know what i thought that would taste like. but that year i didn’t want to sit in silence and just “deal with it” i told my parents, and started homeschooling. again.
That’s the current year i’m in now! but months have passed and lots of things happened. i accepted how i felt this year, why? i don’t know as always, i just knew i wanted to be happy. actually happy. i went out every week, started a sport, took care of myself, traveled around and just let go of the past.
This whole entire thing is rushed and i missed like a billion things, i know. i didn’t get my point across entirely nor did i finish my story i’m half asleep give me a break lol.
My story is still going today, the words past and future are just some letters but mean everything to me. my past isn’t something i’m proud about, and the future is something i’m finally after years of struggling to live am excited to live out. don’t sit in silence like i did, don’t shut everybody out. i thank god every single day that i’m still living, after every handful i took and all the shots i had stuck in my arm, and all the praying i would just not wake up one morning. i’m here today on my 14 birthday and confident to say, i’m happy .
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