Struggling extra hard today. I have cried more times today then most days before. Not counting the 7 short days of your life of course.
That has prompted me to start blogging.
I expected today to be Roma's birthday. Instead she was born one month ago on 6/20. She was not breathing. That day is and will forever be the most traumatic day of my life.
I have my personal experience side supplemented by the notes in her chart. The things I did realize were happening. And those I missed because I was knocked out under general anesthesia when the epidural was taking to long to take effect. Like that they called a Code Blue for you.
To think I was hopeful and just going in to get monitored and sent home... I even brought my work laptop thinking I could get stuff done while I was monitored.... I still thought that hearing a heartbeat ment that we were okay. Your normal heartbeat was around 139 every visit in the second trimester. And it was 139 when we were checked at the OB on Thursday 5 days earlier.
It was also 139 when you were in the NICU hooked up to a breathing machine and completed your cooling/warming cycle. You finally looked a little less of a robot because they had removed all the EEG monitors from your precious head.
But hearing a heartbeat in distressed was not okay. It was a constant 160 with no variability to stimulus. They gave me apple juice that I chugged and I think at this time they started the IV insertion while they called the ultrasound tech.
I was scared of a csection. I was all alone at the hospital so I wanted to be absolutely certain that was the right thing to do. My husband was home with our 2 year old son. We had no family or friends to support us.
The ultrasound tech started the exam. I looked at the little bit of the screen that I could see but saw no movement or breathing. I could see the worry and wide eyes of the ultrasound tech...
I had called both my husband and my mother across the country to let them know what was happening. I don't think my husband realized the severity of the situation until he saw her a day later in the NICU and our parental doctor explained how serious her condition was.
I felt Roma's movements slow and practically stop the day before I went to the hospital. I am trying to not hate myself for not listening to my intuition the morning before and getting to her sooner. ( I woke up gasping for air with dry mouth and could not sleep for 2 hours after.) Or preventing this in the first place. ( I dont think I was drinking as much water as I did with my son). I'm told it's not my fault, even the extra monitoring that I declined would not have caught this. (And that I would have to have been dehydrated and on the ground for that to have caused this.)
It happened to fast. Thursday evening - growth and everything right on track. Monday - decreased movement and not making kick counts. Tuesday morning - emergency c-section with my baby not breathing on her own and severely brain dead baby from hypoxia.