April 23, 2022 at 35 weeks and 3 days, I lost my baby boy Marion (MaR-E-on). I experienced severe preeclampsia and hellp syndrome which lead to placenta abruption. When it was confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat, I instantly started blaming myself. I had so many thoughts running through my mind. Trying to find a reason why and how this could have happened. Every reason I could think of lead back to something that I could have did. Everyone around me tried to reassure me that it was not my fault. The nurses, the doctors, my partner, and my family tried their best to reassure me. But as a his mother who was suppose to protect him, it doesn't feel that way. Especially since this was my second time experiencing preeclampsia. I felt as if I should have known to rush to the hospital once I saw the edema (swelling). I was very cautious and paranoid in the beginning of my pregnancy that I went to the hospital as much as I could. I would even Google my symptoms. When I think back to the day I first saw it, I start to think "Where was that same caution you had in the beginning?"
I try my best to reassure myself by remembering that:
1. It has been 6 years since my last pregnancy, so I won't remember every single detail.
2. I thought my pregnancy with Marion would be better because I was a teen last time.
3. I wasn't treated as a high risk pregnancy.
4. I was failed twice by the same OBGYN( story for another time).
5. I was still uneducated on preeclampsia. I only had experience from my last pregnancy and was left to depend on Google. (I didn't Google preeclampsia often because I didn't have many of the warning signs like I did with my previous pregnancy. It seemed to be progressing way better.) I didn't know to rush to the hospital if it was 1 mild sign. I thought I could wait until my next doctor's appointment that in a few days. I didn't know about placenta abruption.
6. People failed to tell me that my first child was close to experiencing the faith and was informed until Marion passed away.
However, I still feel dumb for not going to the hospital and going to Google when I noticed the swelling. I had a couple other symptoms but that's the only one I recognized. I took the other symptoms as regular pregnancy symptoms. I just can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop apologizing to the people who anticipating his arrival. I can't stop apologizing to my partner who was expecting and excited to have his first child. I also can't stop apologizing to my baby. I feel as if I failed to protect him. I failed at speaking up for him and taking action because I was scared and told not to come back to the hospital unless I was bleeding. I should have fought against the doctors and did what I thought was best for MY BABY! I regret not doing that...
I just hope that one day I learn how to cope with this feeling and finally believe what people say about it not being my fault. I never imagined something like this happening to me and it's the worst experience I've ever had. This feels so unnatural...
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