Mid October 2021, I found out that my boyfriend of nine years had been cheating on me for months. I figured, we've been together this long we can make it work, we've had some issues in the past that we have worked through. He worked with this other girl so I knew he would be seeing her etc, I said I was ok with it, because of the working together, as long as he was honest about it and didn't choose her over me. Especially since she had a live in baby daddy and boyfriend. I go visit family for the holidays, he opts to stay home, again, not really that big a deal. I get back Jan 5 and I found out I'm pregnant, he seems a little excited etc, but then it comes out that he has been lying this whole time still and seeing her and never actually stopped doing things with her. So then her and I talk etc, he decides he wants to be with her, she tells him no basically because she is already in a relationship, but doesn't back off or anything. And they both continue to flirt and hang out constantly, causing me some stress. He tells me I can stay in the house as long as I need. So we are roommates with a child on the way at this point. And he continually stresses me out basically daily, I try to get him involved with his child, to no avail. Monday, April 18th, 2022 is going to forever be in my mind. Its the day I gave birth to my world, and then lost him. Rowan was only 20 weeks and a few days. I can't stop thinking about him and grieving. The Friday before I had some what I thought was just the typical pregnancy leakage (clear possibly urine like), and Saturday the same, quite a bit of leakage, and then Sunday I soaked through several pads and clothes. I knew that was weird. I had been out of town, but only 2ish hours away, so I did one last change of clothes, and went to the bathroom. While in the bathroom I felt numb all of a sudden and like I was trying to push something out. wondering why I felt so weird I reached down to see if like I had swelling or something. Felt something, freaked out because I began to fear the worst, (you hear the horror stories of bathroom labor etc), realized that I should probably go back down there to check, it felt somewhat like a balloon, it then popped and clear liquid went everywhere. Still no blood or anything. So I drove the two hours home to at least be in my own hospital. Went straight there.
They confirmed the worst, that 'bubble' was my amniotic fluid and I had basically begun labor. Doctors felt and looked at ultrasounds and confirmed that Rowans feet were basically already trying to push their way out. I ended up giving birth to Rowan the next day at 5:40 PM. We knew he wouldn't make it. I have to believe that his last minute or two of life was inside my arms, knowing I loved him. He had a heartbeat upon delivery but when checked after putting him into my arms it was gone. Ex-boyfriend/baby daddy showed no concern for coming to the hospital at all during Rowans birth, So I went through the first night alone until my mom came to be with me Monday. Several hours after birth, Rowans birth father decides to actually show up, but he doesn't want him to have his name and doesn't really give any input at all. He stays for about an hour and then leaves. Proceed to being released the next day etc, I can't leave the hospital with my son of course as he has passed and I am grieving. Baby Daddy stays over at work and refuses to come to the house while I am home. I go to be with my mom who has driven 16 hours straight to help me and be there. Baby Daddy consistently keeps me from going home and is very hostile. Fast forward to Sat when my mom has to leave. He basically kicks me out.So now I have lost my son, lost my home, lost my cat children, and am just completely and utterly lost. I can't grieve properly because I also have to move, all the while figuring out how to/figure out if I can work again and figure out my finances. And I would give everything up if I could just have my son back. I have never been a really religious person, but I have to believe I will see him again. Rowan is and was my world. And I just continue to wonder, am I the one who caused Rowan to go into PPROM, all the stress, should I have left earlier and he'd still be here. If I had gone to the doctor when the leaking first happened Friday, would we have been able to stop it? Why couldn't I carry my son.