I'm having trouble staying positive today. I don't trust myself anymore. Despite all the trauma I've experienced in my life, my body was always consistent; it's performance was the one thing I could rely on amongst all the chaos. I've always been very athletic, lean, agile and strong, with perfect cholesterol, who works out regularly, and eats healthy. My husband is also this way. Yet my body was unreliable this time. It didn't just falter, it completely failed me, and went down in flames. I now find myself questioning my health, and I'm fearful of the future, because the statistics say that I am at significantly higher risk of developing heart disease. It's like I've seen my own death. This is what I have to look forward to when I'm older (heart attacks and strokes), and perhaps all without a family, because the risk of having preeclampsia/HELLP in subsequent pregnancies is also high. I won't be able to handle losing another baby. And not only do I no longer trust my body, but I also don't trust my judgement. I made what I thought were very well informed decisions, and they were the wrong decisions. I don't trust my intuition anymore. So, without the two things I used to be able to rely on to navigate me through life - my body and my mind (which is simply just myself) - I am completely lost. I've lost my confidence to do things right. I've lot my confidence entirely actually. I feel bad that my husband is stuck with me. He wants a child so badly, yet I killed the first one, and the second attempt will be when I'm considered of "advanced maternal age", which allegedly comes with its own complications, on top of the already preexisting risk of preeclampsia happening again. He wants two children, but, honestly, I doubt a third pregnancy will be possible for me. I don't know how to reconcile all this.
Hey... I don't know if you'll read this but my heart goes out to you. I was super lost after a long NICU stay and hospitalization with severe pre-eclampsia. You are strong, You are capable, and you have the power to get through this. I encourage you to reach out to the folks at PSI https://www.postpartum.net/ because you are absolutely are not alone.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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