This isn’t going to be like most stories, and has taken me many years to really talk about openly. I am seeking this to be a safe haven, a place to share and find peace.
I’m not pregnant with my second son, and I’m terrified.
2012 was a very confusing year for me. I got pregnant and was more shocked than anything. I suffer from more than one chronic diseases and was told this couldn’t happen.
Happy. I became happy. Through the days that my clothes didn’t fit, tears over chocolate ice cream.. everything was fine. Every visit, every scan and test. I was above the world. I’m not ready to disclose my every detail. But November 5th 2012 was the worst day of my life.
I was alone. In labor, confused and unsure of what to do. It went so fast. By the time I realized and my water broke, I was a little late on the getting to the hospital.
Emts helped me deliver a natural birth at home. Alone.
No loved ones. Just strangers. And I was so scared.
Natural hurt a lot, more than I ever imagined but when I heard his first cry it was all worth it.
They handed me what appeared to be an angel. My son. Maxx Allen.
I lost my son that night. Nothing I ever saw coming.
I still struggle every day wondering why.
I am currently 28 weeks and a high risk pregnancy again. Hoping, praying, that I get the chance to show this baby boy everything the world has to offer.
I know this was all over the place, maybe I’ll do better next time.
I sobbed in my nursery today. Wondering why Maxx didn’t get the opportunity to have it all, like Cash will. Why I deserve to be his mother. I’m really struggling.
Hi TaylorPaiPuls, welcome to Share <3
Thank you for sharing your story and being so open with us. I know it's hard to journal about your thoughts and feelings and I'm so proud of you for this step. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Maxx.
It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to ask for an ear to just listen to you or a shoulder to cry on. We will be both of these things for you. You're not alone. Share is full of moms and dads who feel just like you.
I hope you keep us updated throughout your journey. Sending you and your family so much love! I hope today is a good day :)
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you had to experience giving birth alone ... and that you lost your son Maxx. I, too, am a loss mom, so I understand the pain.
The pregnancy after a loss is fraught with worry .. i know this well. At my counselor's suggestion, I finally gave myself permission to breathe at 30 weeks with my rainbow bc I wanted to be able to have some good memories of that pregnancy.
I wish you well in this pregnancy. Please keep us updated.
Hello and Welcome,
You are in the right place to share your story and to never, ever be judged at all. I am so very sorry for the loss of your first son. It's something no one should ever have to go through. I can relate to your story, as I lost my first daughter Josie in 2007 then got pregnant a little over a year later with my second daughter, who is now a healthy 10 year old. I can't tell you how frightening my pregnancy was with my second, how much I worried about losing her. I am often still conflicted about why one had a chromosomal anomaly and why the other is perfectly fine.
Please keep us updated, and know that we are here for you and that Share is a safe place.
Love and Hugs
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