Share Your Story

After a long time and a lot of tough conversations with my husband about whether to expand our family, we finally landed on the same page and decided to go for it. I got pregnant in October last year. I was so excited to see my daughter with a little sibling (she’s so sensitive and loving) and to do the baby thing all over again. I saw the heartbeat on an ultrasound at about six weeks along. However, on December 30th, I started bleeding and when I went to the ER, my worst fears were confirmed: There was no longer a heartbeat. They did a procedure to remove the pregnancy tissue from my uterus, called a D and C (for which I opted for the general anesthesia, wanting nothing to do with being awake for any of it) and, after a week or so of daily tears and mourning, I started to pick myself back up again and move on with life. Miraculously, I got pregnant again at the end of January. Though I was anxious considering what happened last time, I was cautiously optimistic. Amr came with me to the 8-week doctor appointment and it was confirmed that that the embryo was still alive. I had successfully outnumbered the weeks by when my last pregnancy had ended! It felt like a milestone. This past Monday, I went in by myself for a routine appointment. After the midwife placed the ultrasound wand on my belly, she told me that she couldn’t see the little heart flutter. We looked a bit more but there was nothing to be done. It was over…again. This time I felt so devastated but I also felt (and feel) incredible rage. How could I have two pregnancies in the the span of six months that both ended in miscarriage, especially after having a perfectly healthy pregnancy less than three years prior? Despite my many questions, satisfying answers are fleeting if nonexistent. Over this period of time, I have talked to many women, both friends and strangers alike, and I have learned how many women struggle with the process of having a baby. Some have abortions, some have fertility challenges, some have miscarriages, some have stillborns or babies who end up dying soon after birth. If you are someone who has chosen to have children or to not have children, and have had no complications with any of this, I hope you can be so appreciative of that because I am learning that this is often not the norm. What we see in the movies and on social media makes it looks so much more simple and painless than it actually is. If you are someone like me who has had a non-linear path with conceiving or with pregnancy, you are not alone. Grief is such a profound way to connect with each other and I wish these sorts of topics were discussed more, if only so that we didn’t feel quite as alone or broken when they happen to us. So, here I am, walking my talk. I am here and I get it so feel free to connect with me about this anytime.