My baby boy would have been 1 month old today... on 9/20 I experienced some cramping and discharge and I called my doctor. She then advised me to visit the labor and delivery to get checked up. I was later on diagnosed with incompetent cervix and my baby was funneling at 21 weeks. The high risk doctor came to see me and made my husband and I aware that I was in active labor and my cervix was dilated 2 cm with my membranes bulging. I was confined to the hospital for observation and was on strict bed rest. I couldn’t stop crying at the time, thinking of all the things that I may have done wrong. Our baby was conceived through IVF and we’ve waited so long for this moment. .. I have never felt so depressed in my life d felt that my whole body was broken.. 1st I can’t get pregnant unless it’s through IVF and 2nd, I have incompetent cervix that I never knew about. I laid in my hospital bed crying, thinking that I’m just laying there waiting for my baby to die.
The doctors said we could induce the labor and it will result in 100% mortality rate since he is just so young but my husband and I couldn’t bring ourselves to do that. We were so hopeful that we would make it to 23 weeks which would make our pregnancy “viable”. I was at the hospital for 8 days and since I was no longer having contractions and my cervix was dilated at the same measurement, I was discharged.
I continued to be on bed rest at home for a whole week until I felt mild contractions and bleeding and I immediately went to labor and delivery. I delivered c- section 12 hours later at 23 weeks and 3 days to Luke Jr. and he was 11 inches long and 1.5 lbs. I was so happy to see my baby and I never thought that I would make it this far due to all the scares we heard from the doctors. My baby was in the NICU for 5 days until we received a call from his doctor that he developed NEC and they had to perform surgery on him. After his surgery, we were given permission to see him. The moment I walked in the NICU, I Couldn’t hell but cry.... I wish I could have held him longer... our little boy passed away that same day 8 hours after his surgery.
I will never forget the feeling of his hands and tiny feet on my hands... I love my little boy so much and I just want to sleep so I can dream of him but that time has not come yet... he would have had so many friends around his age and everytime I see my friend’s kids, I can’t help but think of my baby boy .. I hope he knows that I love him so much.
I just finished reading your post and I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy Luke Jr. It sounds like he was such the fighter and overheard your plan to make it to 23 weeks. I'm an angel mom as well. I carried my little boy to 30 weeks and then had to say hello and goodbye. It didn't feel like we had enough time with him and of course, how could it ever be enough? I try to hold onto the time that I carried him. I hope that you can see that additional week at home and those days he spent in the NICU as strength. You both kept going and held onto hope. He will forever be your son and you his mommy. Nothing ever changes that. I have to believe that our angels can feel the love we will always have for them.
Keep talking about him. I found this site shortly after our loss and it became a safe place to write all kinds of feelings. I hope that it can do the same for you.
Thinking of you,
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