How to begin this story. First of all I am lost and confused and have completely lost my purpose in life.
It all started on 12/23/21 my baby girl Lucy was 22w2d. It was supposed to be a normal appointment for her heart echo. Little did we know that life had a cruel surprise for us. For all of those angel moms out there I feel your pain and grive for your child as I grieve for my daughter. I will never know what happened and if I could've helped her. My baby girl came to us after careful timing and fertility treatments. We were so happy about our first baby and nervous at the same time. We never thought this would happen to us. Why would it? I am healthy and so is my husband. When we go to her appointment on that day and we heard the "I am so sorry but your baby has no heartbeat " our would came crashing down. All my hopes and dreams of holding my daughter died that day and so did my soul. I miss her so bad that it hurts to breathe. I laid on that table asking God why He took my girl? Why didnt he save her? I prayed to him with all of my heart that he would give my baby life and this would be a mistake. It didn't happened.
We were told to go to the hospital so they could induce me. I was confused and lost. I could not imagine going through this and not being able to bring my baby home, I feel empty and lost, dont know what to do with myself now that I dont have my daughter. Life is meaningless.
My sweet girl was born sleeping on Christmas eve. She is beautiful in every way anyone could imagine. The most precious and beautiful thing I've been privileged to hold and kiss. Every night I go to sleep and I pray to God that He would let me see her in my dreams, this hasnt happened. I keep repeating that she was just too special for this world that she was needed in heaven. I miss her and wish she was here with me. I will never forget my sweet Lucy.
My baby passed due to placenta abruption. I never knew about this until it happened to us. Now that I've been home and have been able to think more clearly, it makes me so furious that I had called my OB the week before the echo letting them know that I hadn't felt her move since the previous night, not normal for Lucy she was a very active baby. The nurse that contacted me said that this was normal. I feel lied to and ignored. How can this be generalized as normal! I had some stomach pain the day I called but i thought it was because I had a big lunch, the nurse never asked if I had any pains or bleeding. That same day when I got home i thought I felt her move and then I had some cramping not bad, I'd heard cramping is normal as well. Well IS NOT!!!! I feel so guilty that I didnt advocate for my daughter, I should've requested to be seen and checked but I remained silent, believing that it was ok. I will now have to live with this guilt knowing that maybe there was something that I could've done to keep her here. I feel robbed of all the memories that we were meant to make together. She was supposed to be here with me not sleeping. I have good days and bad days where all I want to do is cry and stay in bed. Days where I wish she was the one alive and not me. I know my husband is hurting as well he just shows his emotions in a different way. We pray every night before we go to sleep asking God for strength. Its hard for me to get out of bed most days, I want to be better my husband needs me. But I cant bare the thought of not having my Lucy.
My hope is that I will meet her in Heaven one day. She will always and forever be my baby girl.