My whole life nothing bad has ever really happened to me. This year I turned 21, got pregnant, gave birth, and lost my baby. I never imagined something like this would happen to me. Pregnancy was not in the plans until years later because I’m in college right now but giving birth to my son was the happiest day of my life. Seeing my baby grow from nothing to seeing an actual fetus on the ultrasound put joy in my heart. It took us forever to find the gender because he kept moving around and kicking at the appointments. My husband and I were extremely happy. We found out his gender around 20 weeks. This pregnancy wasn’t planned so I didn’t care what the gender was as long as i had a healthy baby. I was experiencing bleeding at work one day so i went to the emergency room the next day. They said everything was fine. Two weeks later at work I felt a gush of blood come out of me. I went to the ER the next day and they admitted me for a short cervix which meant I could give birth at anytime. I was given steroids and magnesium for the babies lungs and brain growth. However when my doctor checked me out the next morning my cervix was at normal length. I was released the day after but I could not work anymore. My ob scheduled for me to go to a high risk doctor and there she noticed the fluid around the baby was low. So she advised me to drink lots of water and come back in one week. The next week I came I found out there was no fluid around the baby. My heart dropped when I heard this. I knew that meant my water had broken. The doctor thinks my water broke the weeks prior when i had the gush of blood at work. I was diagnosed with having a PPROM pregnancy. This is when your water breaks too early and you can go into labor at any time. I was admitted into the hospital at 24 weeks where I would be watched until i gave birth. I was hopeful that I would last at least until around 32 weeks so my baby would have a better chance. A week and a half later I gave birth in the hospital to my beautiful baby boy. His name is Malakai Antrea Duronslet. He came out with a head full of hair and eyes open. I was a little sad I couldn’t hold him but I knew he had to go to the nicu where the doctors could take care of him. He was breathing on his own and all his labs came back good. The doctors informed me that he was doing really good. Unfortunately, on the 4th day he caught an infection that took over his little body. He passed away minutes after we arrived in the nicu to see him. I always had faith that he would be my miracle baby. Even when he was born early, I did not lose faith. Sometimes I ask myself why do bad things happen to good people. I would have given anything to still have my baby here. I held him and bathed him and kissed him for the first and last time after he died. It was really bittersweet. It’s been almost 4 weeks and there has not been a day to go by that I have not cried. My heart is broken. The best and worst day of my life happened in the same week. It is extremely hard to heal from your birth and have to heal from the death of your baby. Still bleeding and leaking from my boobs are a constant reminder of my loss. My husband and I had two names we couldn’t agree on but the day after he was born I came up with the name Malakai and we both loved it. Malakai means “my angel” and “my messenger”. And that’s exactly what he is, my beautiful angel. I know that he is watching over mommy and will watch over his future siblings. I think about him all the time and he will forever be a part of me. I feel so much pain and I am waiting for God to reveal his message to me. Mommy loves you Malakai and my heart aches for you. The 4 days you were here will never be forgotten about. I hope to find peace but I know this is a marathon and not a sprint. Thank you for reading my story.
Sending love and prayers your way.
MADIE & FAMILY.
I JOINED THIS FORUM TO “PAY IT FORWARD.”
IN THE 1970’s & 1980’s - MY LATE FATHER & MOTHER HAD MANY MISCARRIAGES & A BOY BABY - LIKE YOUR SON, HIS TIME WAS FLEETING & LIKE YOUR STUDIES - MY MOTHER WAS ALSO IN UNIVERSITY - 10 YEARS OLDER THEN YOU ARE NOW & WAS GETTING HER MASTER’s @ AGE 30.
GIVE YOURSELF PATIENCE, COMPASSION, TIME & WARMTH DURING THIS TIME.
READ RABBI KUSHNER’s CLASSIC BOOK “WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE” AS THE GOOD RABBI’s YOUNG TEENAGE SON HAD A RARE BIRTH SITUATION IN THE 1960’s OR 1970’s & HIS SON WAS OBSESSED ABOUT HIS IMPENDING DEATH - NOT HAVING MADE ANY MATERIAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE WORLD @ AGE 13 OR SO - SO RABBI KUSHNER HAD PROMISED HIS DYING SON THAT HE WOULD PEN A BOOK TO HONOR HIS LEGACY - SO THAT HIS SON’s EARLY DEATH @ AGE 13 OR SO - HAD STOOD FOR SOMETHING MEANINGFUL CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD - THAT CONTRIBUTION BECAME RABBI KUSHNER’s “WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE” - MAY YOU FIND SOLACE, STRENGTH & SOLIDARITY IN RABBI KUSHNER’s TIMELESS BOOK.
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