First I want to say is Hello my baby Miggy, please guide mommy and daddy always. We love you and miss you so much. Our Guardian Angel.
My pregnancy is not very easy. When we found out that I was pregnant, my husband is so happy for this is our first baby. He can't believe that he is going to be a father and so was I, being a mother. We can't believe we're going to be parents. So then at my first trimester, I was bleeding, so I went to my OB, she checked my cervix and she saw polyps. Polyps is what made me bleed, not inside of my uterus but in the vagina. Still it was very dangerous for any signs of bleeding is dangerous for the baby. So I was put on a strict bed rest and she gave me medications for my baby to safe and for my bleeding to stop. Gladly, me bleeding stopped.
Then my second trimester came. On April 30, I found out that I was going to have a baby boy! So before that my husband really wanted a boy. So I knew that he is gonna leap of joy for our baby is a boy. Then we did a gender reveal. Everyone around me are excited. Most of them guessed that my baby was a boy. So then they were right. The moment that the gender is revealed, my husband was in tears for he really wanted a boy. I thought everything was going to be okay till I am on my late second trimester.
It was on May 28, 2022 when I was scheduled for a check up. So then my mother in law and husband accompanied me. Then when my OB decided to see if my polyps was still there, then this horror came.
After she looked if my polyps was there, she then measured my cervix and she was in shock. She told me that my cervix is already dilated at 5-6 cm and my bag of water is lowered to my vagina.. meaning i was in active labor. I was just 23 Weeks that time. She told me if I were to give birth, my baby would not be viable for his internal organs are not fully developed. So she admitted me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for two days. Then as I was not having any contractions, she decided to send me home and put me on a strict bed rest and medications such as vaginal suppository and duvadilan. A week came by, I was still not having any contractions. So on this night, we decided to name our baby in case that I might go to labor early. We named him Miguel Nathan. Miguel means like God and Nathan means gift of God. The next day, June 6, 2022, early in the morning, I was still not having any contractions. But to my horror, I was bleeding. Like period blood. There was so much blood and I was feeling pressure in my pubic area. But still I was not feeling any contractions. So then I was rushed again to the hospital.. My OB was there, she told me that we cannot do anything anymore. She told me that I was going to give birth this day and she cannot delay my labor anymore. I was so stressed because I did not want to lost this baby. My bag of water ruptured and I was put on the labor room. As I was waiting, I prayed to God, I prayed to Him to save my baby. Then I gave birth to this beautiful baby boy. When I gave birth to him, the room went silent, my OB told my baby was dead but then my baby cried. I was so happy then I passed out. So when I was put to consciousness, each of my family looked so gloomy, specially my husband. Their eyes are full of sorrow. I asked my husband, where is our baby. He said that he was at the NICU. He told me that he is not doing good for his heartbeat was only 40bpm and he is struggling to breathe. I was so devasted and I did not know what to do. My son was 50/50. His chances of survival are only 10%. Still, I cling on that 10%, hoping my child would survive. The next day, June 7, 2022, visiting hours are allowed. We went to the NICU, that is the first time I saw my baby. I tried to stop my tears. He looked like he was in so much pain. I wish I was the one who is suffering, not him. Who wants to see their child suffering? As his mother, I cannot do anything. The only thing I can do is pray. Pray for my baby's survival. There was a mini chapel at the hospital. My husband and I went there, I cried hard. My husband was comforting me, he holds back his tears. Then my family and I decided to bring my baby home. We cannot see him suffering and we do not have money to pay for such expensive bills. It was the hardest decision that we made. It broke my heart so much. Then when my baby was discharge, I do not want to hold him. As his mother, I was expecting him to live with us for a long time. I felt like my world broke into pieces. I felt like I was gonna collapse. The one who held him first was my father. They went down first then I was behind them. Then as soon as I was in the car, that is the very first time that I held my baby. He cried for a bit. I think he was longing for me. My sister in law told me that he was silent when he was held by my father but when it was my turn he cried. He knew who I was. Then I cried and talked to him. Till we already got home, I still did not leave him. He was in my arms. He was alive for almost 2 hours then he passed away, in my arms. I was panicking and crying and so was everyone in our family. I felt like I was going crazy. All the effort that I made. I took vitamins for his health, I went to bed rest. I took medications. I followed my doctor's instructions just to make my baby healthy and safe. Then all my effort are gone to waste. In such a short span of time I became a mother and so was my husband, a father. He was our first child, he was made from our love. He looks so much like his father.
I have so many regrets right now. What if I knew back then that I had an incompetent cervix then my baby would still be alive right now. I miss his kicks in my belly. I miss feeling his heartbeat. I miss our bondings together. I'm really longing for my baby right now. I want to hold him in my arms. To kiss him. To sing and talk to him. I miss my baby so much. My guardian angel. Please always look after mommy and daddy. You are my strength, my baby. You are my life. Thank you for making me happy in such a short span of time. If only I could bring back time.
Remember, you are always in my heart. You are our first born. Mommy and daddy is longing for you. It's been a week since you are gone. I love you, my angel, forever.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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