On November 23rd 2021 I had an appointment for my pregnancy with my son .. The appointments and the pregnancy had admittedly been a bit touch and go and my doctor had not been the best due to her case load. But she was a specialist for high risk pregnancies and everyone always had such great stuff to say about her, So I put my trust in her even though I had been having issues with contractions and such since 6 months along .. My sweet baby was about to be 37 weeks the very next day .. I had noticed that he wasn't being super active like he always was .. He was always kicking, punching, turning .. He was so incredibly active .. But .. He hadn't been moving .. Though people kept telling me it was normal because he was so big and there was no room and he just was getting ready for his big day .. This .. Was not the case .. Now mind you, August of 2020 I had a miscarriage .. My baby passed away at 11 weeks and 2 days .. And I was alone when I found this out .. So I already had crippling anxiety from that .. I was alone again .. My Fiance home with our youngest daughter cause we couldn't bring kids in .. I had a new doctor because my previous one, The one I had seen my entire pregnancy .. Mysteriously was no longer practicing there .. They were concerned right from the get go about the lack of movement .. And they started trying to find a heartbeat .. They couldn't .. So they took me to another room to do an ultrasound .. And sure as can be .. My nightmare was true all over again .. Eli had passed away a few days prior .. I couldn't believe it .. What had I done to deserve this yet again .. What had we done that we deserved to lose our baby boy .. I had started going into preterm labor and they wanted me to go to the hospital to go give birth .. All I wanted was to go home and be with my girls .. So that is exactly what I did .. I went home .. I wasn't ready to give birth to my son .. I wasn't ready to give birth to the final piece of the puzzle which was our family knowing that .. It would be the first and the last time I would ever get to hold him .. I fought as long as I possibly could .. That night I went back .. At 5:58 A.M. Indiana time, My son was born .. He weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long .. He was absolutely perfect .. He looked JUST like his older sister .. It killed me that my eldest daughter couldn't be there .. She was SO beyond excited to have a baby brother .. She loves her little sister .. But she was just beside herself about finally getting a brother .. She was so devastated when we had to tell her that bubby went to heaven to be with his sibling .. I don't know what to do or how to feel .. Everything is so overwhelming and of course .. We have no answers and won't for a long time to come .. Maybe not even then .. Everything is a blur and moving so slow all at the same time .. I have crippling anxiety before this and now .. It feels like it has magnified a hundred times .. Eli was named after my Papaw and My dad .. Whom both I had already lost .. He was my only boy .. Something I had prayed for for so so long .. Yes, I have my girls and I am BEYOND grateful for them, I am convinced they're the reason I didn't give up in that Hospital .. My Fiance and I have talked, And we do want to try again .. But after these past two losses .. I am absolutely petrified .. Beyond words .. I am so scared something will happen again .. But my arms .. They feel empty .. My soul aches .. My heart screams .. Seeing everyone getting pregnant .. Finding out their genders .. Seeing the clothes .. Seeing everything baby related .. Makes the pain so much worse .. I came home and his stuff was everywhere .. I couldn't go to the bathroom without running across something that ripped yet another piece of me away .. Of course, We don't want another to replace him or the baby we lost before .. That is beyond impossible .. But the need for a baby is .. So strong .. It is hard to explain .. But at the same time .. I can't imagine going through this again .. I suppose only time will tell if it is written in the stars or not .. Until then .. It is just a struggle and battle to get through Day by Day .. I know now though .. I will never take someone else's word over my own instincts .. Perhaps if I had gone in when I noticed the decrease in movement .. My son would be here today .. In my arms instead of on a shelf .. And I just don't think I can ever forgive myself for that .. I can't have my son because I didn't listen to what he and my body was trying to tell me .. And that .. Is my fault ..
What you are feeling is very normal and natural. I have gone through similar painful feelings when I lost my baby boy. Please stop blaming yourself because it's not your fault. It was just written in the destiny and it was bound to happen the way it happened. You will surely get the answers when you will meet your creator in the hereafter.
I’m so so sorry you’re sweet little Eli did not get to stay with your family. Life can be so beautiful and yet so cruel.
Losing your baby and saying goodbye is the hardest thing in the world, telling excited children at home is even harder because you see their little hearts break right in front of your eyes.
Let me tell you, there was absolutely nothing, nothing you could of done to prevent your sons stillbirth. Nothing. You only feel like you didn’t “listen” to your body because Eli didn’t make it. If he did you wouldn’t have a second thought about your movements slowing - because it does happen at the end of most pregnancies
Please you’ve been through enough - don’t blame yourself for one more second. In saying that, I understand the need to blame yourself but it won’t help anyone and unfortunately it won’t bring Eli back.
I lost my daughter 02/11/2021 in a very similar situation. I was 38+6 days. She was beautiful. 7lbs 8oz and 53cm long. I have two boys aged 5 & 3 at home. We didn’t know we were having a girl until she was born. She would of been the cherry on top of our happy lives and then our world shattered into a million pieces.
I miss her every milli second of everyday. We are trying to build our lives back together and be strong for our boys. It is hard but we are getting there. I thought I’d never laugh again.
I hope you find some peace. I can tell from your post, just how much Eli was loved, wanted and cared for in his watery world for those 9 months, tucked up safe & warm with his loving Mother. That is something special and you will always have that time to remember and the time you got to spend with your son. It will never be enough but it is something. My heart aches for you and the pain you are going through. I know, I feel it too.
I like to think we are all energy and our babies had as much energy as anyone/anything on this planet. I see my daughter in the sky, in the birds, in the waves. She is part of this world just as much as you & me. And that gives me some kind of peace. I hope you find yours.
Sending Love & Peace your way ♥️♥️♥️
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