Back in 2012 I lost my first son at 39 wks. Ryker (my rockstar in the sky). 8 weeks later I was pregnant with my super hero Eli (who will be 6 in Sept). I just found out I’m pregnant . I’ve just hit 7 weeks. I have an appointment with my OBGYN at 10 wks.
Having lost Ryker approximately 7-8 weeks before conceiving Eli. Nothing more heartbreaking then coming home empty handed, empty hearted then coming home without your baby. I didn’t know if or how I would survive. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with Ryker. I would pray to wake up from the nightmare that had become my life.
The fears feel like they have magnified now due to my loss of Ryker, me turning 35 in April and now my health issues of being over weight, diabetic and let’s just throw in boarderline high blood pressure. Things I didn’t even have to face back in 2012/2013.
And now I feel as if I’ve been taken back to my pregnancy with Eli. The constant anxiety and waves of panic. The running to the bathroom everytime I feel “moist or damp” praying as I bolt. In my mind trying to remain calm repeating, “I haven’t had any cramping or horrible pain”. “I know this isn’t a miscarriage”. “Why am I doing this to myself”?
I feel I barely survived my pregnancy with Eli. I was constantly in my feelings. Running to hospitals because I wasn’t certain if I had felt Eli move that day. Constantly calling my OBGYN office making yet another appointment. I got so bad that even my husband didn’t know what else to do for me. I was driving him crazy with my worrying.
Now I keep my craziness inside. The worry inside. I buy pregnancy test to ensure it still says pregnant. I wake up in the night to read others blogs, questions, answers, baby apps, growth charts, etc. whatever I can find to settle my mind if only for a few minutes, hours, maybe a day....if I’m lucky.
I’m hoping this blog will help me get some of the fears out. To read and reread what I’ve written. To see if I can survive this pregnancy. My last chance to give Eli the sibling he wants and deserves. To expand our beautiful family.
Hello and Welcome-
I hope that this community shows you that this is a place where you don't need to hide your crazy. SO many of us have been where you are. I lost my first baby, Josie, in 2007 due to Trisomy 18. I had my second daughter in December of 2008. She was born full term, no anomalies, and is now a very trying tween. I had many moments during that second pregnancy when I woke up in the middle of the night and looked up a symptom, checked myself, and made notes to ask my doctor. When she was born, the first words I spoke were "is she okay?" When she was 3 months old, she got a cold and I rushed her to urgent care. I was so tense in the waiting room, I was mentally preparing myself for the doctors to tell me that her green snot indicated a medical condition I had never heard of, and that she wouldn't survive much longer. If I am truly estimating this, she might have been 2 years old before I was certain nothing was wrong with her, and that I would get to keep her.
Please know you're not alone, we are here for you.
Love and Hugs
Hi Marielena484 , hope you're doing well! Keep us updated on your journey - we're here for you <3
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