My name is Lindsey and I am 29 years old. I became pregnant in May of 2019. We had not planned it and I was absolutely terrified. But I pressed on after the fact and went about my life as normal. I was admitted to the ER about 8 weeks into my pregnancy with severe bleeding and was told I was in the process of a miscarriage. My now Ex-Husband and I were supposed to get married the next day. I was heart broken. And I had come to the conclusion God had a reason. But baby or no baby, I wanted to marry the person I was so much in love with at the time. So we ended up Friday, June 28th 2019 at the courthouse with just a few family members to witness. A couple weeks later when I went in for a follow up appointment at my OBGYN, there was an ultrasound that revealed there was still a heartbeat. WHAT!? How is that possible?! I was so confused. And scared. As the months went by there were a few more visits to the ER for the same thing. More bleeding. And the ultrasound would show a perfect growing baby but I did find out I had a low lying placenta. And baby was implanted very low. More confusion. More fear. But I held out hope for this tiny baby who had become my little best friend. My tiny dance partner in the kitchen while I baked. My bath time buddy. My cheeseburger loving angel :)....then one day I was sitting in Wednesday night church, I was about 19 weeks and I felt the first kick. My baby was growing! For sure! Each kick produced pure happiness in me. It really hit me. I was having a baby. I started decorating the nursery and we had the crib set up. After my 19 week ultrasound, I found out there was only a 2 vessel cord. Anxiety set in. But everything seemed to be fine as a few more weeks passed. 22 weeks rolled around and we found out we were having a beautiful little baby girl. I was so excited to have a little girl and best friend for life that I would be able to do things with like fixing her hair, taking her dress shopping, drying her tears after her first break up, seeing her off to college, helping her get dressed and ready for her wedding. Then 24 weeks came. The bleeding was back. I rushed myself to the hospital and was admitted to the Labor and Delivery floor. No triage this time. No being sent home with a brush off of the issues I was having. I was monitored overnight. Everything looked fine. The doctor had planned to do another ultrasound and a vaginal exam. Again. Baby was fine. 2 vessel cord. Cervix was closed. But then they told me I had a complete previa. Later that day was when the hard part all started. My water broke. I was transferred to another hospital about an hour away from where we lived. I was admitted to the Labor and Delivery unit at Phoebe Putney Memorial Hospital in Albany, GA. I was hooked up to the monitors for baby and I. I was given magnesium and steroid shots. I stayed on the labor and delivery unit for about 2 days after the baby and I were stable. The doctors told us they were hoping to keep me in the hospital for as long as possible, preferably until 34 weeks. Then they would have to take her out by C-section due to the previa. I was moved to the Antepartem unit where we stayed and was still monitored but only 2 times a day. She made it to 26 weeks with no amniotic fluid when that morning the nurse placed the monitor on me and we could not find a heartbeat. The doctor had come in to confirm. I was in disbelief. And shock. Despite the odds I was holding on to hope for my sweet baby, Griffin. After everything we had been through and she had held on and fought through every single time. Why now? And why like this? I was immediately moved back to the labor and delivery unit. I was given an epidural and pitocin to induce labor. As it turned out I was in labor for 2 days and in those 2 days I had developed an infection. She died on a Friday and I didn’t give birth to her until that Sunday. They finally got me to 12 cm dilated and I pushed until I felt her lifeless body on my leg. The nurses rushed her out and then the doctor who delivered her, I could tell, started to panic. The placenta was not coming out. I could feel her whole hand and half her arm inside me grabbing at whatever she could. My placenta had attached itself to the wall of my uterus. All I remember was the look of horror on the doctor’s face, yelling, nurses rushing all around and then black....I woke up to nurses and doctors over me. I was laid out on a table. I kept going in and out when finally I saw the IVs of blood. I remember them telling me to stay awake and I also remember it taking everything I had to just keep my eyes open staring at the ceiling thinking about my family and wanting to see them again. They had a few IVs of blood going in me and trying to stop the bleeding when they finally realized it wasn’t working. I was then rushed to have a hysterectomy to stop all the bleeding. They ended up replacing by body’s volume of blood 4 times that night. I went to the ICU for a few days and then I was taken to the Women’s Only wing of the hospital for 4 more days of recovery. It was about a month in all and 2 weeks before Thanksgiving before I finally left that place. It’s been about 6 weeks since all of that happened. I was not able to handle seeing my one and only child I would ever be able to carry myself being buried. After surgery I wasn’t really able to physically do much. Mentally I was so weak. I was told by everyone to not rush myself with anything grief wise until I was ready. And that’s what I tried to do while simultaneously trying to hold on to my sanity. But my then husband and his family buried my child without me or my family the day before Thanksgiving. It’s taken me a while to be able to write my story. To relive it all. But I wanted my story to, if anything, help other women who have already or is currently going through a similar situation. And to know that they are not alone. A wise man who was my Pastor told me “You have to know that God loves you with all his heart. He is not mad at you and he is not trying to punish you in any way. But we live in a broken world where terrible things happen. And that’s when we need to turn to God”. I finally realized God knew all along. He knew my child inside and out. She would never have to know the sin and sorrow of this world. Because she woke up to God’s face.
Thank you for sharing your story was very touching. I hope that with time you find some form of healing. God Bless!
Welcome to Share LindseyF. Welcome to Share. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl Griffin Michelle. You did everything and someone had other plans. I read your story and I sort of relive my own. I was 29 when I lost our baby boy. Similar situation where I also rushed myself to the hospital, no heartbeat, lots of bleeding. I am so thankful for all of those wonderful blood donors out there. It is hard to know that so many others are experiencing this pain. Yeah, holding onto sanity is right. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not running down the street naked and screaming?! Wait, my health insurance might not cover that treatment facility:)
Your story helps, it does and it will continue to help so many. Thank you for your careful consideration to share it here with us. I know you've heard it all by now, but do take the time. I'm nearing 11 years of grief journey and some days, it just suddenly hits. The love is forever though.
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