It has been almost 2 months since the delivery of our little moon goddess. In exactly one month from today it will be her final due date. Its not fair and my heart aches seem to be the continued thoughts on my mind. I was supposed to be such a good, loving mom. I weep at stories like the #HisNameIsAlex and my heart beats painfully in my chest with an urge to reach out and tell that boy that he is loved, there is a mother out there that would accept him and wrap him in her arms and tell him what a wonderful person he is and how proud she is of him because her arms are so very empty at the moment. That mother is me.
This should have been crunch time. Instead of procrastinated decorating of the baby's room and final touches, I'm boxing up gifted items and clothing in a "goodbye for now box?" With our first baby lost to miscarrisge at 8 plus weeks and the second stillborn at 27 weeks, I go back and forth on whether or not we will try again. It's too early to digest that question because there is so much physical and emotional healing to even be able to get to that point.
After leaving the hospital it was a potential 4 to 6 weeks of postpartum bleeding. Add to that the fact that my milk was coming in and I had all the aches and abnormalities of a postpartum body, but, without the baby to hold. Once I had gotten through that debacle I still couldnt even begin to try to heal emotionally as I picked up a case of pneumonia in a time of a respiratory pandemic no less! OK, so 2 weeks of quarantine and rest and then the healing could begin right? Wrong. I was then met with 2 weeks of more bleeding. More like spotting to be exact, my period was already starting back up. My body was already ripe to begin the process again while my mind had barely even processed what had happened. Now just a few weeks after that I'm back at work as a Project Manager.
My company has been great and is most certainly following my lead on it, but, 3 days in and I'm already lying awake just shy of 3AM when I should be sleeping before early morning meetings. They say you need to allow yourself to feel and be in your emotions, let them flow naturally well the tears won't stop flowing tonight. The days are easy, I might cry once or twice through out the days before taking a deep breath and calming down. I work out once sometimes twice a day, I eat well, but, sleeping has been a struggle when it was rarely a struggle before.
If I put the phone down, close my eyes, try to take deep breaths and focus on breathing and counting. Anything to clear the mind, it never fails the tears will come with or without the thoughts behind them. I've spent so many years dealing with adversity, financial hardships, grieving for and with others and have always come out as the strong one, but, there are so many days I dont know who I am anymore. I just know I hurt, I'm angry, some days (weeks even) this feels like waking up in a nightmare. This isn't how it was supposed to be I did everything right, drank 100 ounces or more of water every day, took the prenatal, went to all of the doctors appointments, ate healthy indulged rarely, exercised regularly, was super careful in my workouts, neve laid on my back always slept on my side, the list goes on and yet the one thing missing is the one thing I kept saying was all I wanted in return: a happy healthy baby...
It is 3AM now. Just 6 more hours before the start of my meetings in the morning. Today I will be thankful for crappy video conference quality in Microsoft teams meetings and their ability to hide what Im certain will be puffy red and encircled eyes.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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