Well it's been a while since I have visited Share and posted. Life is has been interesting around here being diagnosed with cancer, treatments, dealing with all the emotional "stuff" after it's all done. Finally getting used to yet my other new normal.
Scott died 7 years ago in June. When I would be asked how many children do you have, Is C your only one? I would freeze up, get that deer in the head light look, wrestle with how to answer. Cuz let's face it as a loss mom or dad we know what it's like talking about our little angels, especially when it's not an expected conversation topic by the general public. I like to use the analogy of the live grenade being tossed into a room. Because you can make whom ever your talking too go silent, everything gets awkward in an instant. Go to a PTA meeting when they have everyone going around the room and sharing about their little darlings, or twin babies they have at home along with a 5 year old and everyone laughing and responding with mom you need a drink, you need a spa day. Then it gets to you...your proudly say how you have a kindergartener and then your little angel Scott. The silence, the awkwardness, the murmurs...The live hand grenade tossed into the room. Not our intention ever to make things awkward just want to share about our precious little ones too. But the way people react can make it seem like what you did was wrong. I have since learned not to care and when you ask, you will hear that I have two boys. I even use his name now. That's huge because before I would say I have another son he died.
The other night we were at a birthday party and we only knew the family hosting it. I was chatting with a very friendly mom and of course got that question. I didn't even pause, I didn't wrestle with how to respond I just answered. I do have another son Scott he died at two weeks old. I got the "look" you all know that look and the murmur of oh I am so sorry. And then of course that little bit of awkwardness after. What I hated was I felt sorry after words. I felt sorry for saying it. and that's is what I hate. I hate we still live in a society that as loss moms ( dads) we are made to feel like bringing up our precious babies gone to soon is wrong. I really hope that one day that will change, because talk about the mom guilt you when you get those feelings or that apologetic feeling for talking about your son. Or maybe we can just stop asking the question how many kids do you have, or when are you having kids?
Hey girl! I've been thinking about you and sending well wishes:) Oh how "the look" and "the question" can hurt! I love that you are finding that you are using his name more when you talk about Scott with others. It's huge! We want to hear our angels' names and we want to be in a space that allows us to feel comfortable talking about them. I deal with similar situations too. Well, I hope you grabbed a cupcake or a big slice of bday cake at that party.
You deserve it!
Starting to cool off here. I can actually go outside and not not sweat (in the mornings).
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