The people in my life who have had babies in the past two years have had girls. It helps. It has helped especially right after Scott died. Once I got a in a decent place with my grief girls who were the same age as Scott I was okay to be around. I could talk to them, hold them, play with them. etc. Slowly very slowly I was able to be around boy babies without wanting to burst in tears. But I never really have interacted with any boys that would have been around the same age as Scott until this week. The preschool class that I teach the little girl has a brother who is around the same age as Scott would be. Well the other day it was pouring rain right during the time of pickup. Grandma was trying to juggle art projects, a 4 year old and a two year old. So without even thinking about it I bent down to this little boy and said let me zip your coat up to help Grandma out. As I zipped it I felt the wistfulness along with something else. It was like being given the chance to do something that I would never get to do for Scott. Now I have zipped countless coasts as a teacher and a mom. But this one time it was special for me because it gave me a little bit of what it would have been like to do it for Scott. Something that simple gave me just a bit of fulfillment on what I feel like I have been missing right along side the little bit of sadness knowing that I will never do it for Scott.
What a sweet moment. I'm sorry that you will never be able to zip Scott's coat but I love that in that moment, you felt at peace doing it for another little boy.
Thank you for sharing this moment with us.
This is a lovely post. It made me tear up. Thank you for writing about it.
It's these little moments that always take my breath away also. Of course the anniversaries and due dates etc. always get me but they are predictable. It's the moments where your heart skips a beat because for just a split second your mind wanders to the what ifs and should of's.
So bittersweet, Nicki.
Sending lots of love to you,
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