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Every year the hospital where Scott was transferred to and spent his little life does a Walk to remember.  They have a short Memorial service and then everyone walks down to the memorial garden within in the hospital where we are able to leave our candles and notes to our baby.   We went last year and this was our 2nd year.  I go not really to find comfort or healing or anything like that.  It's just a way for me to feel closer to Scott and to visit his only home he ever knew.  It's always nice to see some of the  staff and talk them.  This year the theme was hiding and how sometimes our true feelings are hidden in our hearts.   It was a very nice little service but I just can't understand why they played the one hymn they did.  The choir they had sung a hymn entitled, Awesome.  Which was about how awesome God is.  Now I know I'm not that religous at the moment but even if I was I just didn't think it was appropriate for a memorial service for babies.   At the end they say your child's name and you stand up with your candle and receive a rose.  At this point I was so overcome by emotions and all I could think was I shouldn't be here.  I just kept thinking I should not be in this audotorium holding a rose to remember my son.  I'm about to break when I hear them say another child's name and then the next name they say has the same last name and at this point this mother has received two roses.  Then the next name is said and this child too as the same last name in which the mom received her 3rd rose.  It snapped me out of the mental breaking point I was having.  I wanted to run over and give that mother a hug.  I thought I was going through hell...I can't imagine what it must be like to lose three. 

After the service they had a little reception and we got to talk to one of the head nurses.  We found out they are getting a new NICU which we think is awesome.  Each baby will have a private room.   As one of the only level IV NIcu's in the state I think it's good that they are getting a new updated NICU.   We also found out how they are always looking for parents to come and give feedback on their experiences and how they can make it better.  We said how we would like for them to call us how we feel the parents need more resources when they have lost a baby.  The resources and care while he was living was fantastic but we were left blowing in the wind once he passed away.  So a way we can hopefully help other families in honor of our Scott.

Driving home is when I had another wave of emotion hit me.  I don't project that much.  I tend to think of Scott has the infant he was and miss him as that.  Very rarely do I project at  what he should be doing right now...well we are driving the all too familiar route home one driven every day sometimes twice or more from the hospital.  When I started thinking as if he was in the back seat and we were taking him home.  It seemed so real to me for a brief moment I expected to be able to look in the backseat and see him there.  I felt for a tiny moment joy and happiness at the thought of bringing him home.  Then reality came back and I just started really missing him.   that same old achy feeling you get whenever you want to be holding them in yours arms and having just one moment back with them. 

Today was our day to visit Scott's home and let ourselves feel.  One thing our therapists told us is that we just need to allow ourselves to still feel and let our emotions be.  I have gotten so good at pushing the sadness aside and putting on the mask that everythings fine that I have been forgetting to allow my other emotions to just let go sometimes.

So I got the day off from cooking tonight and we are going to the brand new Cracker Barrel just opened up near us!  Yeah!  The nearest one has always been an hour away.  Yes Yes I am easy to please...