2017 is here and I should have a son turning 8 this year and a son turning 5 starting Kindergarten in the fall. Yet here we are raising one little 7 1/2 year old who is sweet, kind, ornery, and too smart for his own good. While his brother watches over us from above. Never how I expected my life to be. But one thing I have learned as an adult is to never say never. Because life as a way of turning things around on you so those nevers turn into something that happens, or you start doing in your life. So many nevers I have said and now live and practice in my life. Our latest one being homeschooling. Entering into our third month of home school and seeing how my son is already blossoming, learning, growing, confidence building. Has it been easy...I could say yes but I would be lying through my teeth. But has it been worth it yes. Then a week before Christmas I realize just how at peace I am with my life now. For the longest time I couldn't allow myself to be at peace with it because that meant accepting Scott was dead. That meant accepting I was living my life moving on with out him. But finally allowing myself to reflect and accept that yes I am living my life but it's what I have to do. I have no other choice I can't make him come back. So we made changes to our house big changes as rearranged just about the entire house. The day after Christmas the plan was put into motion. Scott's room which stood empty for 3 months after he died the door closed having no clue what to do with. Then asking my then 3 year old what should we do with it. He telling us a book room. A great idea a place to sit and read, put up pictures of Scott. so we painted and got a couch and bookshelves to put our books. But over the past year it's been under utilized not really ever used accept occasionally by C. Meanwhile Toys are slowly taking over our downstairs, making me crazy since I am a very organized neat freak. My husband trying to find space to work on his models, me my sewing. and then the realization there is a solution to this problem. I decided that the book room can become a toy room. Which then leads to all the toys being gone from our family room which means we can move the loves seat from the living room there to give more seating when people are over. Which then leads to a whole wall in the living room that we can put two small work areas for my husband and I. My husband loved the idea. So as I said the day after Christmas we set our plan in motion. We moved furniture, we moved toys. C now has a room to build is cities ( he loves this) and he can leave them up. I can be downstairs, I can be home all day now and homeschool and not feel like the walls are closing in on me. My open concept house is open again and free of clutter. It's very" freeing" I feel I can breathe again. And then of course when you rearrange your house and move things around, come up with plans to make a new area that calls for a trip to Ikea. So off we went finding the perfect tables for our work areas. Could I have done this 4 years ago? Heck no. Could I have done this last year? Not sure..but this year it feels right. I don't feel that guilt that sadness, that nagging thought of we shouldn't have this extra space, we are forgetting Scott if we do this, we should appreciate being able to have these toys to trip over. But just because we make better use of our house doesn't mean we don't love and appreciate our living son. It doesn't mean Scott isn't part of our family anymore. His photo is in just about every room in this house. We honor him all the time in what we do with our support of Mod. We talk about him. That one more layer of grief peeling itself away and allowing us to breathe. I will always carry this grief. I will always have the what ifs. I will always have those moments, those triggers that cause me to burst into tears out of the blue. But I am also learning through my journey it's okay to live, it's okay to breathe, it's okay to utilize the extra space in your house. So now we have a house that makes mom/wife be able to walk around in and not cringe at the mess and clutter. A place where we can all have our space and do what we love. So here is to a good start to 2017 of good changes and postivity. ( now I need to work on the anxiety of waiting for something bad to happen to take this feeling away but baby steps...I'm getting there.)
This is such an inspiring idea. I love to hear that you are finding ways for your family to come together and use your house in a great way for everyone. Scott will never be forgotten. He has your heart. It must feel so good to use that space again for everyone to feel happiness together.
I am so glad you are able to utilize all your space in a way that is good for everyone! Its very empowering to realize you can grieve/not grieve or remember/ not remember how you choose to, without the pressure of keeping things a certain way. I fell ya on the "walls closing in" comment, I can't handle clutter or disorder, I get the exact same feeling and it makes me super irritable! Here's to a bright and organized new year!
Love and Hugs
I am so glad you found a way to utilize Scott's room and the remaining space in your house. All this while finding peace in the change. Finding that sense of peace is a hard place to get to after loss. Finding peace doesn't mean we have forgotten them just that we finally get to the point that we realize we can't change what happened. And living with deep grief is taxing on us and our babies wouldn't want that for us. They would want us to find the peace in our lives. Although I would give anything in the world to have my daughter back, I am beyond thankful for the amazing people (you included) I have found on my journey and I think that has helped me find my peace. So much love and Hugs to you! Give C a big hug from Florida!
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