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June is my bittersweet month with my husbands bday on the 1st and colin's bday on he 2nd. Than Scott's bday is June 5. June 17 is when we made the decision to pull him off of life support and June 19 is when i planned a funeral, saw my son for the last time and he died. June 22 0r 23 is when is funeral was that is the only date not burned into my memory because by then I really was running on auto pilot and couldn't tell you the day, date or anything...
So everything just kinda snuck up on me this year. Since last Thursday I have been just breaking into tears over everything, worrying about everything, and being way too irrational over everything...Colin's bday is today and I overreacted when my son said this evening he just wanted to play with daddy. He's 5 any other day I would have be fine and went and had alone time. But of course it being this week I had to think how he was only going to be turning 5 once, how it must mean he doesn't like me, right?! and was just in tears. So of course I made a big deal out of it and now feel like a horrible mother. Over the weekend little things have just been making me cry and I've been fretting over everything. I just want to make it through this week and the rest of the month and still keep some sanity...
Colin chose to go to D.C. on Scott's birthday so that is what we will do on Thursday. Mike is taking off. I decided when Scott passed away that his birthday would always be a special family day. Today we were in the car and Colin told my parents who were with us that Since Scott wasn't here for his birthday we were going to do something fun for him. How it just broke my hear hearing it spoken out loud and so matter of factly...I just wish he could be here doing fun things with us. As I stated in a previous post C made me a love box for mother's day and one that I can hold to my heart whenever I am lonely. C tells me, "mommy you know what if your ever sad about Scott you can use my special love box and hold it to your heart." I love how compassionate C is and but also hate that he too had such a hard life lesson thrown at him at such an early age.
So he tears keep coming, the worries and anxiety are starting along with the lack of sleep and the month is just getting started for me....I just really thought it would be easier this year.
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts tomorrow and the rest of the month as you relive those precious days you had with Scott. Go easy on yourself, its especially stressful when you are supposed to try to celebrate joyous occassions at the same time as the raw feelings of grief are attacking. And even more so when the grief sneaks up on you.
Going to D.C. sounds like a good plan for Scott's birthday and hopefully will bring you some peace and enjoyment as you celebrate your sweet Scott.
Sending you lots of hugs,
I'm thinking of you and sending a lot of love. I don't really have any healing words or advice. I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and not alone. *hugs*
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