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Well I'm back after being in my funk for a couple of weeks. Once I get through June 19 it's like a weight is lifted and I can "live" again...When everything happened with Scott and as I started living my life again I prepared myself for his birthday on June 5 to be hard. But I find it's other days in June that are much harder than June 5. I realize now for me and our situation June 5 is a happy day. It's day were Scott entered the world and we still had hope. He may have been taken from me immediatly and he may have had chest compressions performed to get his heart rate up, he may have been whisked off to the NICU. But on that day I had Hope and I had no clue what was to happen. So that isn't such a horrible day. it's other days that cause me stress, and anxiety. and really just the month of June as a whole that does me in. I think it's extra tough for me because I can't hate June since my husband and oldest son were born that day and feel obligated to be happy the first two days of June ( their birthdays) and want to be happy and on the most part am but then there is that other lay beneath of June really sucks. So it's just a lot of stress and expectations for me. and I know that it's me putting the need to be happy Nicki but I also feel like I have to for Colin especially since it is the day he was born. But for me his birthday is now a realization that he is another year older and that time is flying by. I know that if I am feeling sad or anxious, or everything in between it's okay because I do so much for and with Colin every other day. But I just feel it's his birthday it should be super special.
Mike's birthday fell the day after Colin's birthday party this year. We were suppose to go to dinner at Texas De Brazil which the husband was so excited about. I came down with a touch of stomach bug( which I realize now was stress and anxiety). so we didn't go. this was the first time we had the huge familly/friend birthday bash in our yard since Scott died. ( I went into the hospital the day after Colin's 3rd birthday party) It was harder than I thought for me and of course was not realizing it till I was stressing about crazy things that I normally wouldn't at his party. So that night my poor stomach had enough and the next day I just slept all day. Happy Birthday to my poor husband. I know he didn't mind and I know he understood what was really going on even before I did but still...
From June 1 on my body has been in knots, I have had indigestion, stomach issues, achy muscles and adding to it all by getting in my head that something was wrong with me that I had some sort of illness....yup that's been my June.
I also realized why last year June 19 was so hard for me because it wasn't just the date Scott died. It is also the date that I planned his funeral which I was happy to pass on to my parents to do but there are always papers that need to be signed so guess were I found myself that day...and it's also the day I saw and held Scott for the last time. So June 19 is really "the day" for me. The day that I could easily climb into be and pull the covers over my head and just ignore every year. Lucky for me I have wonderful friends who came over and kept me company once again on this day. The children played and the ladies hung out and it was what I needed. The morning before they came over I could feel my emotion just bubbling waiting to erupt the husband, son, and dog were in for it eventually. But once everyone came over it helped calm me and I could feel myself relaxing.
To add to my June of emotions Mike had minor foot surgery on the 10th. No big deal people like my mom who just had transplant surgery would be like whatever. But for me...I now know that anything can happen. That it can happen to you so i was freaking out until he was out of surgery and I knew he was okay. Oh the scenarios going through my head of what if something happens? What if they do something wrong and he can't ever go back to work. What if they really do something wrong and...
Than there is also Father's Day thrown in this month...this is the day we chose to pull Scott off of life support. Maybe we should have waited a day but we felt we had to do it that day. That is was the right thing to do. Watching them constantly poking your baby trying to get IV's in him and then when they get one started it doesn't even last 24 hours you can't keep letting it happen even if it is Father's Day.
So that about sums up June for me. But June 20th came and I was fine. My aches were gone, my indigestion and stomach issues gone. It's funny how our body reacts to things. I feel like the "normal" Nicki again and like I survived another one til next year.
But with two years now under my belt I now have better understanding that June is going to be hard even with happy occasions and I just need to accept it. I need to accept that if I'm not super happy mommy/wife it's okay and it doesn't mean I don't love my family. It just means that I'm missing what I can't share with our other family member. I now know that June 19 is going to be my worse day. That the days leading up to June are going to be hard. That I'm not developing some sort of horrible illness or dying from something that I just have a broken heart.
But I also know this as well I have family and friends who may not 100% get it but they try and they are there for me. They let us know they love us and are thinking about us with notes, calls, texts, and other simple gestures like changing their profile picture on their facebook page that has some sort of meaning towards me and my family. It has also made me know that there are others who just don't get it, don't care or don't want to try and get it. Like when my SIL called on June 19 with some trivial issue and when Mike told his sis what the day was she says Oh I knew that day was coming up sometime and than continued talking about her thing. I just need to put those people on the back burner they aren't worth my time.
so ends my rambles and on we go to July with another June under our belts.
Wow! June is definitely an emotion filled month for you guys. This November will be 6 years for us and I am still always amazed at my body's ability to remember every single detail surrounding Arianna's life and death. Especially when half the time I can't remember what I had for breakfast.
I know what you mean completely when you mention Mike's surgery. A few months after Arianna died Jerry needed to have a routine endoscopy done. He had to be sedated and I sat in the waiting room and cried the whole time he was back there. Finally the nurse came out with tears in her eyes to come and get me. I panicked. She said everything is fine, he's still in recovery but he won't stop asking if your OK so I thought it would be better for him if I just came and got you. She added that we were the sweetest couple she had ever seen. I remember thinking there is nothing sweet about picturing your husband dying from a routine endoscopy.
Sorry to hear about your sister in law, some people just won't ever stop and put themselves in someone else's shoes and imagine how they feel. We've experienced that a lot.
Hope July is more relaxing and I also hope C has a great summer before the big K. :)
I am glad to know that you were able to get through this month. I know it carries with it a lot of hurt and pain. You did it with courage:) Continue to put "those" people on the back burner for now. It hurts when it's close family and friends who just don't realize how much their words can sting.
Sending you hugs,
What a powerful rollercoaster ride you embark on with the coming of June. I'm so glad you endured and made it thru. I too am coming to realizations that for me there will be many months like your June where it doesn't go away but I endure. Wishing you peace as the days to come after June 19th can sometimes be hard too.
August is the month I dread. I have happy and sad days that moth because Jadon's birthday falls in August as well. Many many hugs to you! Miss you dear friend!
Many hugs to you, Nicki. I know how hard those dreaded months can be ... and the anxiety and physical feelings that come on because of it.
A very sad but understandable viewpoint you have. Even though it has been almost 10 years since his passing, I always sensed that the time of year our son Evan was alive was is like -in an odd way- the yodeling guy game on Price is Right. LOL As soon as April 4 comes, I feel like I am in this "RED ZONE" and I painfully try to yodel my way up the hill and through that zone until June 27th, when I am at the top of that mountain and feel like I might fall off into the abyss. And then the cycle ctarts all over again next April. Of course all the holidays within that time frame are exponentially hard, and even more tough was the realization that almost NO ONE remembers a "heaven day" like they do a birthday. So that tough day for you will be yours and yours alone sometimes, despite all the resentment you feel towards people that won't remember. It's not that it's not important to them, but they didn't live it and it's not indellibly burned into them the way it is with you. I'm sorry for your loss, and there are so many of us out there that feel the way you do!
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