I have never been one to really like change. I can get set in my ways and am very routine oriented. I like my schedules and planning. Since losing Scott I am even more of a planner and it's harder for me to except change.
Today was just one of those days that for whatever reason it was just a day that I wanted to burst into tears over everything and just was feeling sad and down all day. I really hate these days. Colin has been in Bible school all week at the church down the road I have done suprisingly well with him gone from 9-12 each morning. I told myself that I would do something for me each morning which I mostly have done except for this morning. Good practice I guess for the fall when he starts preschool. Anyway I spent the morning reflecting on things and how so many things are just changing and I really have no way of stopping it and I hate it! I realize that so many of my friends that I have met and known over the past 4 years are not starting to drift and do other things as our children get older. That all the children will be starting either preschool and elementary school and that they are all attending different schools on the most part. I have also realized that the people in my life can be now divided into the two groups. Those who get it and understand that my husband and I will never be "over" the loss of our baby and then the other group is those who think it's been a year we should be over it.
Friendships are changing, life as I have known it as SAHM over the past 4 years is changing and it's hard. I still refuse to really focus on September 13 C official first day of school. but it's there in the back of my head. I just think what do I do then...although I know 3 hrs are going to fly by especially when he is going to school 20 minutes away. just the travel time will eat up part of my morning. I do try to have a sense of humor and tell my husband I'm just going to spend the 3 mornings C is in school and work out and become all buff and start wearing trendy exercise clothes.
I'm beginning to think what is the next step for me and I really have no clue. I loved teaching but have no desire to go back into it because of all the other b.s. that goes with it. If I could just teach and not worry about meeting curriculum standards, pacing guides, test scores, state goals, demanding parents I would. but I really just don't have the energy to deal with that anymore. Plus my teaching cerftificate expired last month so all my undergrad work is basically obselete since they require me here in md to have a masters now to continue teaching. but I won't get on that soap box with this post...
It's just hard and not something I was ready to do which is figure out what comes next. I wasn't suppose to have too for another 4 years...so it stinks and it scares me. Because I just feel like I'm stuck with no direction. and I really thrive on direction.
Thankfully I found March of Dimes which has given me a way to celebrate Scott. and we have plans already for the 2014 walk. We know what our team will be and we know how we plan on fundraising. I am hoping that I am able to do some volunteer work for them because that would give me a sense of purpose.
I guess that really is what this whole rambling post is about change and finding my new purpose in life. For so long I was mom and I know I will always be mom and that C will always need me but it's just that big scary unknown of I have to find something else now.
We are also considering a dog. C and my husband have been wanting a dog for a while even while I was pregnant. I thought the two of them crazy because my husbands job is not a normal 9-5 job and is always on call and things coming up at the last minute frequently. so the thought of raising two kids, taking care of the house etc and a dog. but then a few weeks ago I really began to think how it may be good for C. He would have a companion someone to run around the yard with and we have been seriously thinking about it. Now that we have found a breeder and need to make a decision it FREAKS me out! I can't definetly say yes...I think it's because we are bringing a new member into our family and well....the last two times didn't go so well so it's that mental game we tend to play with ourselves. So once again more change, this time I think good change and it would help teach c responsiblity and he would have something to focus his attentions on other than just his parents but I just all of sudden got cold feet! It makes me feel bad because my husband has not been able to get really excited about anything since losing Scott and he is so excited about this...
if I had my way things would stay exactly as they are....I've excepted this new normal of mine over the past year, gotten on with my life and I just want it to be as it as been for a little while longer.
You sit on your soap box as long as you need... many people here know how much I hate/fear change. Just one breath at a time and eventually everything will fall into place, well thats what I keep telling myself!
I totally understand the teaching comments.....so much extra takes the fun out of a fun job!!! One of the speakers at Shareunion last year talked about how sometimes parents who have suffered a loss feel the need to control everything because they had no control over what happened with their baby. I thought that was so true of myself!!! I want everything to stay the same and be like I need it to be. I like the idea of the buff mom wearing workout clothes!!! Let me know if you do that cause I want before and after pics----and I'll be jealous!!!
there is one problem with my plan on becoming buff...I like chocolate too much! I can finish a bag of hershey kisses quicker than one probably should....;p and french fries or even better cheese fries...I love junk food!
mmm...french fries! :) *sigh* one of the hardest things after our loss is having to learn to deal with our "new" lives. Pretty much everything that we knew changes, including ourselves. It is so hard to make people understand that you simply just don't get over having to say goodbye to your child and you can't simply make another one to replace what you have lost. I think as grieving parents of babies we are in a harder position because there is this false misconception that we did not love our children as much because we knew them for less time. We all know this as completely false of course but it is so hard to break that stigma. I got into a semi-heated debate one time with a woman about this issue and I told her that she needed to present her youngest child for sacrifice. She looked at me with her mouth gaping open. I told her that I had went ahead and chosen her youngest child for her (maybe 3 years old) because since he was the youngest I knew that she did not love him as much as her older son so it would be easier for her to let him go. She told me how ridiculous was and that she loves both of her children equally. I told her that I had made my point. I felt bad for being so rude but at the same time I didn't. I get tired of people thinking that my daughter was less than a person because she was born early.
Now for the pre-school debacle. I'm having the same issue with Keira. Although I opted to wait another year and just work with her at home. I just can't stand to be away from her. I'm awful I know. Do you happen to have a local March of Dimes chapter near you guys? I spend a few days a week volunteering at ours and I love it. It helps me get out of the house and interact with adults. Ours always seems to need extra help. Especially around March for Babies time. I've done everything from confirming food for the event to making team packets to folding t-shirts! It's very rewarding and could help fill the gap of time while C is at school. Plus if your office is like mine we always have chocolate on hand!
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