It's been an interesting week for me as a mom of an angel baby with the many thoughts and emotions I have been having. This week a friend of mine who has been trying forever to get pregnant announced on facebook she is pregnant in June. When I first saw the post my first thoughts were, Why June? I hope it isn't a boy and they have another girl. Then I got sad and jealous because another friend will no longer have an "only" child like us.
As I processed this info during the day I realize that I feel a connection/bond with other people who only have one child. Their kids are like Colin growing up in a house without any other children. They know what it is like raising only one child so when a friend has another one I feel like I am losing something. selfish but it's how I feel. I never in a million year thought I would have only one living child. I would even tell people I was going to have at least two children. I didn't want a child of mine never knowing what it is like not growing up with siblings. How those words have come back and "bit" me because that is the life we are living.
I also came to realization of something. I knew from the time we realized that Scott's was not going to live that I would not be able to go through another pregnancy. I just couldn't for a multitude of reasons. But I was really considering adoption and it was something I was planning on looking into down the road. I took the advice we were given by my Scott's genetic doctor to give ourselves a year to really process everything that had happened and to go into things with a clear head. She had even told us how we could have done more advanced screening for genetics if we had wanted to get pregnant again. We ended up making the decision to just be happy with the life we have and not look into adoption. Although there are times that I really miss getting that 2nd chance of having a baby and all the milestones I realized something. I realized that I really don't want another child I want Scott. That what I miss is getting that 2nd chance of everything with him.
Too add to all this my husband has been seeing a counselor to help him deal with his crazy family. Well he tells me the other night how he was talking with her about Colin and Scott and how he sometimes will get a little silly and crazy when we do things to remember him. He proceeds to tell me how she said that Colin doesn't have the same connection we do to Scott. That he really does not understand what it means to have a brother but as he gets older he will start to understand it better and that's when he will start missing him more. I got very emotional. I got angry with him for telling me this, for talking about it with her when he is suppose to be talking about his screwed up family and I got sad really sad. It made me so emotional because I knew everything she said was true I just did not like hearing those words spoken aloud. I now C has no real understanding of what it is like to have a sibling. I know he really doesn't get that he is missing something. But I don't like thinking about that and I like living in my little word of pretending he does. I know it's a hard thing for a young child to understand and especially when they have nothing to base it on but just let me have it and don't point it out to me. I know my husband didn't know that what he was saying was going to set me off but I just felt like he opened a door I didn't want opened. Doing these things that we do has a family to remember Scott is my way of being a family of 4. Being a family that Scott is a part of.
I am sorry it was a tough week. I understand your feelings about your friend's pregnancy. I felt relieved when both my sister and sister in law had boys after we lost our daughter. I would have felt very jealous of either of them had a girl, no matter how hard I would have tried to stuff the feeling down.
I disagree in a way with the counselor. I think the traditions we make are important because they help our children define their relationship with their angel siblings. Those moments give them the opportunity to talk about their feelings, even if they don't fully understand everything yet. I mean, I don't fully understand it, how can a child? This year we didn't go to the cemetery on Hunter and Randi's birthday. We usually do, but I just didn't feel like it was right for me this year. A week later, Hunter told me that he felt sad that we didn't go this year and can we please make sure to go next time. It is a tradition that is important for him to feel the connection to his sister and we will do it from now on. So keep on doing what feels right for you and your family to honor Scott and know that you know what is best for your family.
I am so sorry you're going through all this. It's so unfair that you are raising an only child when you wanted to raise siblings. It's unfair that Colin doesn't know what it's like to have a brother. It's unfair that you or your husband have to see a counselor to deal with family or grief.
It's all just so unfair!!
You keep doing what you have to do to include Scott in your family. You ARE a family of four even if only three of you are here right this moment.
So much love to you,
I always find it difficult too when other friends/family announce their pregnancies. I see and hear the excitement they have and I have to fight off that deep down feeling of worry I feel for them due to unfortunately knowing what it is like to lose a baby. It is true, Colin will have a different connection with Scott than you or your husband do but that is good, he will have his own unique brother bond that no one can replace or duplicate. It is their own special bond. Thinking of you!
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