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It's that time of year the 2 weeks of just being in a funk, and a every year I find away to make it worse on myself by finding something to worry/be anxious about. Well this year it's making myself feel like a "failure" as a mom because C is an only living child, we don't live in a traditional neighborhood with kids, and now I added to it by homeschooling. Last night I had a total meltdown because it was so hard watching C have to say goodbye to his best buddy after visiting them for a week in Colorado. The last time they saw each other C was 4 and his buddy N was 5. Within 5 minutes of seeing each other they picked right up were they had left off 4 years ago, laughing, playing, being goofy, making up silly stories and songs. Watching him play and interact with N I realized none of his current friends at home have yet to take the place of best bud like N. So needless to say the night before Scott's birthday which was last night I melted down after a long day of travel, the eve of my deceased son's birthday, me being bummed myself to have said goodbye to my friend and fellow homeschool mom ( N's mom) and having watched how bummed C was our last day when he had to give one last fist bump to his friend. It just sucked and I started that mom guilt of I am failing C. He has no one to play with, No good male friends like N, how he is now 8 and almost over being a kid without having that great friend nearby and so the tears came and I just felt really bad. When in reality he is a happy child, with friends, lots of outside activities and a huge family who loves him to pieces. I just wish I could get through these 2 weeks without having to make it worse on myself.
You are doing a great job and it sounds like you a raising a healthy, happy, active child. I would encourage you to let yourself grieve as you see fit, but to go easy on yourself and not feel guilty. I am sorry for your loss and can't imagine the torrent of emotions you must feel this time of year. You are entitled to some sadness. It is okay.
Trust me I get this! It doesn't even have to be near Josie's dates for me to feel like this. Yesterday we were invited to go swimming and Abbey ended up being the only child there. We did an ok job at entertaining her but I could tell she really wanted a playmate remotely close to her age.. Then I look at her in the water and I see Josie's shadow...twirling her around, dunking her, racing her, splashing her etc. I just keep telling myself that I was raised basically as an only child and I'm ok now.
Love and Hugs
Anniversaries are rough. I have the tendency to replay every moment and pick where I could have done something different, where I went wrong. Try not to beat yourself up too much with the next few weeks as you are grieving.
I share some of those same guilt feelings. It's so easy to go there. It's always okay to melt and let it out. We've done the online learning now for four years and it's totally different and can be a bit isolating. My kids have their Dad as a male role model and I'm not interested in adding anyone in who isn't going to be constant in their lives. Not doing the drop-in friendship only when it's convenient for one party and the other person is in need. Urgh, I don't think that's healthy for kids either and that's our situation with one mom friend and her son. Basically, it's just not reciprocal and I'm tired of playing host. So, we make do with who we have in our day-to-day lives. I would totally prefer my kiddos be around same-aged peers, but if they get more early experience talking to adults and learning to navigate their larger world, I'm cool with that. Believe me, I've had that same mommy failure feeling too. So many things are not turning out as typical and I'm right there with you just trying to find my way. It's harder when those memories too come flooding back.
You're a good mommy! Please be easy on yourself. Yes, play dates can be fun, but I think most kids just want time with their parents and he will remember the time you spent with him teaching and guiding.
I hope that you are looking forward to Bono! Heard that they are coming to Phx in September. Maybe my hubby will sign up and volunteer to work the beer/wine portable and get to hear some songs:) Metallica is coming too!
Big HOT hugs,
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