On Saturday the day before Mom's Day I started having flashbacks while cooking dinner about my last "normal" day before our lives changed forever. It was a beautiful day with white puffy clouds in the sky and I sat chopping vegetables I began thinking about Colin's 3rd birthday. His birthday was on a beautiful day and with white puffy clouds and everything during that day seemed perfect and we were so happy then the the next day came. This time year is when I begin having my flashbacks and it's amazing how I can remember events, moments in such detail. ( where as I could not tell you what I did last Tuesday...) Remembering Colin's 3rd birthday and how happy we were brought on some anxiety. That reminder that happiness can be ripped from you in an instant. I have been doing really well this past year allowing myself more happiness and allowing myself to actually enjoy things more. I get afraid to look forward to vacations, events coming up. I get afraid to enjoy them because I'm so afraid it's not going to last. I know that you can't live life that way. I have had many counseling sessions about it and how I can't control everything...but how I wish I could.
Mother's day was one of starting out okay and then letting emotions come out in other ways and my poor husband once again getting the brunt of it. I'm lucky. I'm lucky in that he understands, that he doesn't hold it against me it's just me trying to make it all work and sometimes it gets the best of me.
The other thing that really has been bothering me lately is that this is what days like Mother's day has become...A day that should be joyful, and celebrating has become a day to "survive". I hate that the rest of my life this is what this day is. It's unfair. It's why I had to take the weekend off from facebook because it's unfair seeing everyone with their mulitple living kids and being so happy. Oblivious to just how lucky they are...
But I try to focus on what was good. A friend that I've known forever that I grew up...One who called me everyday after Scott died for weeks. One who even when I didn't return or answer her calls never held it against me. She just wanted me to know she was there. The friend that I haven't seen in awhile...she showed up at my house Saturday evening. It's like she knew that I was going in a funk and needed a smile. Her visit helped and gave me a welcome distraction.
I so very much understand this post...... Sometimes I get this anxiety from deep with me, making me question if I will ever again have a moment of pure joy, where I'm not waiting for something to come and take it away. I hope that the weekend was kind to you.
Love and Hugs
I agree, Mothers Day can be difficult for me too. I also have a constant fear about suddenly and too quickly having things ripped apart. I hate that I constantly think like that. Glad you have been able to start enjoying things more and that you have a great support system! Thinking of you!
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