I was in the mall this evening with the job of distracting C while his dad was off in the Disney store buying him a gift we wanted to get him for xmas. ( yes I am one of those who will have all my shopping done by mid November) We went into the xmas shop that had just opened and was looking around when I saw a big brother ornament. I got this sudden impulse to buy it. But instead walked away with tears in my eyes. C never got to wear his big brother shirt he was given while I was still pregnant and sometimes I just want to acknowledge that he is a big brother. I think it hurts because he would have been an awesome big brother and very kind and compassionate since most likely if Scott would have lived he would have had some sort of disability. Those triggers...I told my husband when he came into the store and he told me to buy it if I wanted to that it wouldn't be crazy. But I just couldn't it would have been too much explaining to C and just I think it would make me more sad to see it on the tree than happy. Just made me wistful of what could have been.
Then tonight I was going through photos when I came across C 3rd bday photos. His 3rd bday was our last normal day before our new normal began. I saw those pictures and immediatly the line from the song, "American Pie" popped in my head, "The day the music died..." That line repeated itself through my head every day all day the entire summer after Scott passed. Hadn't thought about it for months until tonight...yet how appropriate because that's how I felt like there should be no music. I did not listen to music for that entire summer and didn't even have it at his funeral.
I'm with you, my shopping will also be done early. I already have 90% bought and wrapped, I just need to wait for Black Friday to get a few more things. Maybe one day you will be able to buy the big brother ornament without it being too painful for you. Sending tons of hugs.
Nicole, yay for early shopping! I know, all of the toy catalogs came out last week. Remember ladies, shop a Kmart if you have one near you (more $ for MOD). With the holidays approaching also comes the heavy reminder of those we are deeply missing. I had one of those "big brother shirts" too. I did put my son in it months later when I was going through baby clothes. I took a picture and I have it for me. You could still do this with C. He will always be Scott's big brother. I know it's difficult to explain to siblings and it can be confusing to them. My boys were also very young when our baby died. It's so hard to find the joy in simple things when there is still so much hurt. I'm right there with you.
I really wish that I could tell you that one day all of this will be remarkably easier. Unfortunately it just isn't true. I can tell you that you should do what gives you the most comfort. Even if it brings you some sadness. C is a big brother and if you want to acknowledge him as one with an ornament then you should do just that. Even if you hang it on the back of your tree and slowly migrate it to the front. We do have an ornament for Arianna. It was custom made from another angel mom online who makes them and it says wishing you were here this Christmas. We have others also and a stocking. She has always had a baby stocking but this year with her 5th angelversary being here I felt it appropriate to change her's. I hope that you can find what works for you and helps bring you peace. Sending you lots of hugs.
Oh I am so sorry that the trip to the mall was hard. I know that too many "normal" things and errands are much harder without your sweet baby.
I agree with the others that as soon as you feel it is right, you can buy the big brother ornament, even if it's just for you to have and not display. C is a great big brother....just not at all in the way that he should be, and that is not fair at all.
What a powerful thought "the day the music died." Thank you for sharing that with us, huge hugs coming your way!
I remember not listening to music for a period of time after I lost Marco. I was thinking about that recently too - I think because it's fall - and it was fall when I lost Marco - this time of year - just bringing it all back.
Those triggers of "big/little brother/sister" items are all over - like little bombs. They come in the form of books, t-shirts, and ornaments. Their painful to see. What should be fun and exciting to buy now just causes sadness to look at.
Big hugs to you,
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
Privacy, Terms, and Notices
© Privacy, terms and notices