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Last summer I hit a very dark period in my life. The grief struck me hard as many of you can probably relate too. I have always been one that plans, organizes, schedules everything. I always have got to have something to do, some project to work on. Then Scott passed away and it was like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I was so sad and left feeling so many feelings and thoughts that I couldn't do anything. I got out of bed every morning because I had to make C breakfast. I would make him breakfast and then would just go lay on the couch and watch him play. If the morning was just too much for me I would feed him and then we would go to my mom's house and she would entertain C and I would sleep on her couch. It was really bad and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to overcome the feelings of anxiety, sadness, and anger. Half through the summer I would make myself leave the house and do something with C. It wasn't easy and took every ounce of strength I had to do it. We would walk and visit with neighbors, or go swimming at the pool. I got really good at "faking" it and acting like I was doing better than I really was. It was like I was there but looking in the window and not really being a part of life. Everything was hard. I could only focus on the exact moment I was in and not anything else. I could not write items on a grocery list, or write things on the calendar. I could only exist in the moment. Then one day near the end of summer I woke up and I told myself I had a choice I could be sad the rest of my life and live like I've been living or I could at least try to be happy and start getting interested in things again. So I chose to try and be happy and not just for me but for C too. He deserved to have a mom who at least was trying and not giving up. So I decided to start a project and began a new quilt. I met my Aunt( also quilt teacher) at the craft store and we picked out fabric and she helped me decide on a design. The past year I have been working on this quilt. I have been hand stitching it and am about half way through quilting it. So hopefully in a few more weeks it will be done. I think of it as my healing quilt. It's very special to me. I also realized that we had to do something with the nursery. I was fortunate that the day we were making decisions in the hospital my parents, brothers and their spouses came into my house and cleared it of of baby items. they must have worked their butts off because all traces were gone by the time I arrived home that evening. The nursery door had been closed for two months and my husband and I realized that it couldn't have been good for any of us but especially C since his room was directly across from the Nursery. Imagine living across from a room that is never opened? But I could not for the life of me figure out what to do with it. Nothing seemed right. So I decided to ask C. I sat in my lap one day and asked him what we should do with the room. He said we should make it a reading room with lots of books. I thought it was a great idea. So we now have a room that is our book room as C calls it. He has his own book corner. and it's just a very quiet, calming relaxing room to sit, read, play games, and reflect. No technology is allowed in the room. I have been in there a lot with C and as a family to play board games. But it hasn't been until recently that I have allowed myself to sit in there by myself and quilt. I recently realized that I have become the "super" planner now with every second of my day planned and that I do it because then I don't have down time and I'm not thinking and therefore not sad. so it's a huge step for me to sit in the book room by myself and quilt. I do think of Scott it's hard not to when I have the down time, and we have photos of him in there. But it's good I do get a little wistful, and will get teary eyed and remember. I've been so afraid of going back to that dark spot in my life that I haven't been allowing myself to relax and just be. but I find it's not "breaking" me. so I guess the whole point of this very long email is that I think I am finally healing. I know that I will always miss him and always want the what could have been but it's not going to drag me down like it did. I love Scott, I miss Scott, I wish that I was planning a birthday to have for him a couple weeks. but life just didn't work that way.