Thanks everyone for your kind comments to my last post. I was very close to total melt down the other day. I get good at living this new normal of mine and than reality will end up sneaking up on me and grabbing hold. I've got a plan for next year formulating in my head on how to keep busy while my lil' guy is in school. I will volunteer, and am thinking about contacting our local rec and parks and seeing if I can work for them a couple days a week helping teaching their children's classes. Still mulling it all over. but at least I have a plan!
Friday wasn't too bad. I didn't have major tears like I thought and it was a nice morning. His school just did a family picnic on the playground and while the teachers mingled. Than the last minutes the children went to their classroom with their families and they sang one song and got their certificate. All was well and then the children pulled out their special gifts they made their parents. It was a handprint butterfly and it read, " Dear Mom and Dad, One day, when i am grown, you will look back at these hands and udnerstand that I could "fly" because you loved and guided me." Some waterworks came with that one. What is also really cool about is that I have had 4 empty nails on my bedroom wall since the summer Scott died. They originally had framed photos of pregnancy pictures I had taken. I have not had any idea of what to hang there. this past week I ended up hanging on two of those nails framed pictures from that photo shoot I originally had downstairs. One of me bending over and smiling at Colin while he looks up at me and one of Mike lifting Colin up in the air. I had no clue what to hang in the last empty space and now I have the butterfly C made. Which represents both my boys.
We went to a playdate at Colin's new school this week were the incoming Kindergarteners could come play on the school playground and meet each other. I realized something that day I am in a whole separate catergory than all the other moms who were there. you have the moms who have older children or the moms who have younger children. Than there's me...and it made me realize what it must feel like for mom's who have chosen for whatever reason to have only one child. You kinda feel like an outsider. Yes I have a child ( they don't realize I have two) but I don;t know what it's like to be raising more than one etc. So many of the moms there had younger sibling there as well or were talking about the older siblings all in school. I can't relate to that. It's just the reminder of what I am missing out on. No one asked me the question of is he your only one which on one hand I was relieved but than on the other hand I wanted to be able to say I have another child too. I guess there is never at time as an angel mom where you are ever just completely at peace with how your life is...
June is coming...we end May with Colin's birthday part on the 31st. He chose Ghostbuster's this year for the theme. How I love my family they are all getting into it and we are dressing up. We are having it in our backyard this year which we haven't done since Colin's 3rd bday party which was our last "normal day" before everything went wrong. Mike's bday is the 1st of June and than Colin's is the 2nd. Than June 5 will be Scott's birthday. After that we have to get through the other dates of when we decided to pull him off of life support, the day he died, and than his funeral...So yes June is come a very bittersweet month for me. My husband is getting minor surgery on his foot in June and I am hoping that will offer distraction to me. Although it will probably just stress me out since most men I know do not handle being ill or hurt very well...
Such a wonderful gift that Colin presented to you on his last day of preschool! I love these treasures that hold so much meaning. I am glad that you are filling those empty nails again. Huge steps! How very cool that the school had a little gathering for incoming Kinders already! That's really nice for all of the kids (and parents too) and so needed. I will be thinking of you as this time of year is just filled with so many memories. I LOVE the Ghostbusters themed party and adore that everyone is dressing up!
I can understand what you are saying about being in that category of a parent w/ only one living child - though the other parents don't know why you only have the one - that is what they see on the outside. It's all so complicated. Which is why I'm so thankful for Share :)
I will be keeping you in my thoughts as you navigate the next couple of months, as I am sure it will be a very difficult time
So glad C has such a great birthday. Love the Ghostbusters theme. :) If his kindergarten class is anything like Alexia's you'll be busy party planning most of the year. I swear thats all they do. lol. Can't wait to see how he likes it next year.
As for the month of June I can relate. My "storm" starts the day before Halloween and doesn't end until November 6th. It's exhausting yet I cherish it every year. I can remember every single detail of my life from the moment I was admitted to the hospital until the day I was discharged. The food I ate the clothes I wore etc. I think it's our minds way of reassuring us that our babies lived.
Sending you lots of hugs and please know that I am always here.
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