My husband and I have started seeing a new therapists and we really like her. Where as our old therapist was great at helping us cope with our grief and get through the sudden storm that came dropping down on us our new one is helping us understand and work through a lot of things.
One break through we had the other night was that I still need to talk about Scott. The realization that I want people to ask how many kids I have or something to that affect so I can talk about him and share his story. The one tiny issue with that is people aren't ready to hear his story or talk about him with me. I have my close friends and family who I can talk about him and of course share but other than that...I realize that society really isn't ready to talk to a parent about the loss of a child.It brings up too many uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that no one wants to ever have to think.
As I think more on this if someone has a grandma or uncle pass one of the first things people will ask is, "what happen?" "Where they sick?" But if you bring up that you have another child that he is just looking down on you from above and it's like crickets...not a sound, you get, "I'm sorry" which then I reply, "it's okay" even though it's not okay and then the awkwardness that follows. People just don't know how to react, or what to say or feel like if they talk to you about it your going to start breaking into a million pieces. It's like a disclaimer needs to be added when I say I have an angel baby to the affect of if I'm bringing him up then I'm okay talking about him.
But having had this breakthrough has helped. It has made me realize that I can just give a short answer about my little guy and get on with my day. I want people to listen and here about Scott but in general it's not going to happen. I have to find those "safe" people who I can talk to about him which I do have. Everyone else can just get whatever answer I decide to use and that's it. I feel like I am even more prepared now to answer the questions about my kids,my life because I have realized that i was looking for some emotional fulfilment for myself when asked that question.
After my therapist came upon the discovery that I just need to talk about him that's what she told me to do. She said tell me about Scott. How that caught me off guard, what do I say, where do I begin? Than I just started talking, and it started pouring out. The tears, the anger, the longing all pouring out with it. The realization that I still have a lot more to work on and I still need to allow my emotions to break free. I have gotten a little too good at getting on with my everyday life and have forgotten to sometimes allow myself to feel when it comes to Scott. I like that I have a safe place to go and just have that with my therapy session.
something else that has been going through my head the past week... I wrote last week about driving home from the hospital after the memorial service for babies who had passed and for a brief moment I thought what it would be like to have Scott in the backseat and bringing him home from the hospital. I was so hoping that for a brief moment I really thought he was back there and felt a joy that just radiated through me. It was very short and I quickly came out of it and told myself to knock it off. But since then I just keep wishing i had that moment back. The feeling that I got just for a brief moment was so wonderful and made me feel so good...
I say the same thing "it's okay", I really am at a loss on what to say when people tell me they are sorry. So I tell them it's okay. Okay for what? Okay for them to be sorry because your right it is not okay that our children are gone. We should all get together and come up with a losing your child handbook. Then again it would have a lot of blank pages because nothing with this journey is predictable. I too hope that you are able to get that feeling again. It sounds like it was a very moving experience. I am glad that you found a therapist that just lets you talk freely about Scott. She sounds great. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and hugs.
It took me a long time to be able to deal with other people's emotions when it comes to talking about Tristan and Gunnar. FInally, I realized that I'm not responsible for how they feel or react to the fact that my children have died. We are so socialized to try to make everything okay that we censor ourselves at the first sign of someone else's discomfort because we're "nice." It's not natural to exclude the most important people in our lives because someone else can't deal with it. You're right that another family member's death would be treated very differently.
I'm glad you had such a positive experience with your therapist. It took me five tries to find the right one and it makes a big difference. I hope that she continues to lead you down a path that makes you feel more comfortable talking about Scott on your terms. I wish we all were able to talk together about the little ones we miss, but "regular" people will have to do.
I've had those fantasies, too, especially when I see my friends' children who were born around the time my twins should have been. It's awesome on the one hand and a fresh heartbreak on the other. I feel like that cycle will continue always.
I give you permission to talk about Scott to whomever you want to whenever you want, regardless of how they react. For whatever that's worth...
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