A little over Two years ago my world fell apart. When Scott first died I was still processing, still in shock so I wasn't all that sad. All I focused on was getting through the funeral and than getting away and going to the beach for a week. That was it. I went through the motions of my days, focused on packing for the beach. July 4 is the day that I started really grieving. It was one day short of a month since Scott was born. We took C to a parade. The firetrucks that's what did it. A quarter of the parade had taken place when the firetrucks starting going pass. Was it seeing my son so excited? Was it that they represented an emergency? I don't know but I lost it and started crying. ( thank goodness for large dark sunglasses) After that I sunk into a very dark place. Driving to the Outer Banks a few days later ( a ten hour drive) I was silent, a shell during the entire drive. The whole week I was anxious, focused on mortality and the fact that we all were going to die one day. My husband made me get out of bed everyday and go to the beach. I remember washing dishes and just telling myself over and over I"m washing dishes that's all I"m doing. Trying to sleep and trying to keep all the thoughts away I was having so I would recite the alphabet over and over again until I finally drifted off. Coming home and only be able to take my life one minute at a time. I couldn't write a grocery list, I could not write on the calendar. Running the microwave and watching it count down the seconds was just too much of a reminder how quickly time goes by. I was a wreck and that doesn't even describe it.
I began searching online and found a message board on Baby Center. It was okay and a little helpful. But some of the comments on there not what I needed at the time. So I continued to go through my grief and wishing I had people who understood. But maybe I was the only one? Maybe I was the only one who crashed this hard after losing their baby? Maybe I wasn't strong enough to handle it.
8 months after losing Scott I found the MOD. I was on there site reading about them and what they were about after hearing about them from a friend. I was excited for the first time in a long time because I had found an organization that we could support as a family in memory of Scott. Than I came across SHARE on the site. I wrote my story even before really reading any others. Just to have found a place to share my story was therapeutic. Than I started reading the other stories/blogs. I began posting in the forum section. The comments I got were caring, supportive and that of understanding. There were other people out there who had the same thoughts as me, the same emotions, the same reactions to things. I found a place that I could fit in.
Than I hear about Shareunion. What is this I ask Jami? She and many others encourage me to go. I share my anxiety about going and have people I never met like Stacy and Samantha emailing me, giving me their phone number to call them with my questions. I wanted to go but on the other hand I'm going to go for a weekend to a place and meet a bunch of strangers I only know from the internet. Hasn't people seen the news, read about how this isn't a good idea? My husband, and my best friend encourage me to go. I went because it was an hour from my house because if I didn't like I could go home. I'm glad I went.
Being with a group of people who understand what our lives are like now. That new normal that we just had to learn to live no one ask our permission first. Having speakers who gave us ways of dealing with what we are going through on our journey. Being able to sit with a group of people and freely talk about what has happened in our lives without being judged, given that look of sympathy, or causing that awkward moment when you choose to share what your life is really like. These people get it. Having someone just randomly walk up and hug you because they see you need one because your about to go into meltdown mode. That is Shareunion.
I attended my second one this year and flew across the country. Anyone who knows me would tell you that was a very huge step for me. But I went and I had an amazing experience once again. Seeing everyone who weren't strangers now but friends. Meeting new people just starting their journey their new normal. Being able to give them support. Still getting support of my own and once again hearing me too when you share something that in your "regular" everyday life would give you that awkward look.
I am so thankful for Shareunion and Share. The support it has given me. My only regret is that I didn't find it sooner.
I hate the reason our path have crossed but thankful they did. I am glad you stepped out of your comfort zone and joined us last year! I have grown to love both your boys as well as you!
Although i hate that you have to walk this journey, I am glad that you found Share. It was -- and continues to be -- my lifeline. So glad I got to see you again and talk with you more this year.
I say the same thing quite often....I wish I'd found it sooner. I'm glad that you found Share, but hate that you needed it. I'm happy that you've found others who have walked your journey and could give you help when you just need someone to understand. I'm also glad that you found the courage to come to Shareunion and since then have been willing to help encourage others.
I remember those early moments in grief, feelings like I was totally crazy. I actually remember trying to sleep one night and thinking in my head that I was never even pregnant, that I had just had a horrible mental break down and imagined the whole thing. I get flashes now and again about what it was like in the beginning and can't believe how much things have changed.
I am so glad that you came to Share Union last year. Believe me I know how crazy it sounded. It took me four years to attend my first one. lol. I can't wait to see you next year and the year after that and the year after that etc.
I remember that moment. I stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out to you just to give you a hug because as an Angel mom I knew that look. Instinctly I knew the melt down look. I am so glad you came and that you are going again!!!
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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