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C has been Poppin' Across the U.S.A. for Team Popcorn and trying to get a donation from every state in memory of his brother Scott.  He has been mailing a handwritten letter he wrote himself to people we know or acquaintances for people we know.  Since we exhausted all our resources I have taken it to face book to help him get the last few states he needs.  I am finding the more personal I make it the more likely people will share and people will donate.  Because of this I have been sharing stories of Colin visiting Scott in the hospital and pictures of C and Scott.  I even shared a pic that is very special to me.  What not many people know is the picture  I shared of C kissing Scott that is the last time he ever saw his brother.  That is C saying goodbye. 

Seeing these pictures, writing these posts it has me thinking, and wishing.  I wish that C never had to say goodbye to his brother.  I wish that I never had to hear my husband say to him say goodbye to Scott this is the last time you will get to do so.  I wish with every fiber of my body that I can reach through the screen and just hold Scott again.  Just sit in that chair in the NICU and just hold him.  Not caring if machines are beeping and worrying what that means.  Not worrying about holding him and if I am causing him more harm because of all the machines and wires he is hooked too, not caring that my arms hurt from holding him so long.  Just that wish to sit there and hold him, talk to him, sing to him.  Tell him I miss him, tell him how much he is loved even though he isn't here.  But then I realize that if I was able to do that I would never put him him down.  but how I wish...

On top of this there is a lot of "unrest" right now in Baltimore City.  The city that I live near.  it's the city where all the really great hospitals are that people go to from all over the country and world.  The one hospital is where Scott was at and the other one was where my mom got her liver transplant.  seeing the chaos that is happening on the news all I can think is how are mothers getting to these hospitals to see their babies?  How are parents getting to these hospitals to see their kids sick and getting treatments, how are family members getting there to see their loved ones who are about to go in for major surgery that they may never come out of alive.  and it makes me really sad to know they aren't.  I remember how I felt when all the major roads in to the city were at a complete standstill when the president was down there.  I couldn't get there to see my baby in the NICU I hadn't when a single day not seeing Scott.  We eventually got in but it took a long time.  

So my emotions are just all over the place.  But is is nice seeing how perfect strangers are being so generous and helping my oldest son with his funraiser.  How his face lights up when he gets another donation.  and not just that but he knows that this is more than just coloring states but actually helping babies.