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I live near Baltimore.  A couple of weeks ago they were commissioning the new destroyer down at the port.  They had many events scheduled during the week leading up to the ceremony.  Ships to tour, a view of the new destroyer and an airshow.  We took my son down to tour the ships.  While waiting in line we got to see the Blue Angels practicing.  The last time I saw the Blue Angels was 4 years ago in June standing in the same city, while my son Scott was still alive.   Here I was standing in the middle of the city the hospital where Scott had spent his life just a few blocks away watching the same planes fly over.  The emotions that hit me.  The instant sadness of knowing the last time I experienced this Scott was alive.  But then another emotion with the same realization…that feeling that there was a time in my life that my son was here, living, and breathing.   Those planes gave me that moment that moment to travel back in time be in June 2012 when Scott still lived. When I still had hope that he would leave that NICU.  I let that emotion envelope me, let myself feel again what it was like when Scott was here in flesh and blood. Let myself for the briefest of moments think maybe he was in that NICU just a few blocks away.   But then that moment turned to deep sadness.  That here I was 4 years later watching these same planes, about to do another tour yet there is one less hand to hold.

This is what Infant Loss is.  These moments…these moments of intense emotions and feelings.  The realization that life keeps moving forward even though there is one less life in it.  One life taken before it even got to live and experience moments such as cool planes flying overhead.   That our hopes and dreams, plans for a future with our new baby taken away without warning, without us having a say.  Two people with everything to offer a child, and having to say goodbye before we ever really had a chance to say hello. 

Scott Edward Miller how I love to say his name.  How I hate that I don’t get to say it a million times a day like I do his brother’s.  How he came into this world such a beautiful baby.  Full term and already 6lbs when born at 37 weeks.  Yet although he was the biggest baby in the NICU he was the sickest. 

After he died I had to put the broken pieces of my life back together in a way that works for me.  I spend my days now remembering him, and making sure others do to.   As the quote says, “When a baby is born its mother’s instinct is to protect the baby. When a baby dies it’s the mother’s instinct to protect his memory.”  As a loss mom my job as become to make sure he is always remembered.  Because it may have only been 14 days but he was here, he was loved, and he will always be a part of our family.