I went into a funk over the past couple weeks and it wasn't because of the approaching holiday...It was because I was jealous, sad, and angry. World prematurity day made me feel this way. and it doesn't make me feel good that I had those feelings on a day to help make others aware. My family supports the March of Dimes so every baby will have a chance at life, be able to come home. Yet reading all the stories of NICU grad it made me sad, jealous, angry. It was the realization that my son wasn't a preemie, he wasn't born premature he just died.
One thing that I remember vividly is washing my hands to see Scott and gowning up and seeing a sign hanging next to the sink. It was a meeting for NICU families for preparing when your child gets to come home. I remember thinking we need to go to that...that was were my mind was, how much denial I was in. I truly thought that my son was going to leave that hospital. My mind could not except anything but that...who wants to think about the other option? I couldn't think about it even when it was staring me right in the face.
I completely understand where you're coming from. When I scrubbed in to the NICU to see Josie at the hospital, it was because I had to learn how to feed her through her tube at home, and learn from the nurses how to change the oxygen cannulas and when/how to watch for signals of discomfort. I felt like I was in a bubble because all around me were people learning how to change diapers and take temps and hold their babies because they were preparing for them to come home and live ;I was preparing for Josie to come home and die.
I agree, it can be hard hearing stories about all the babies that graduate out of the NICU. Although I am of course happy for them, it still stings and I get upset that how come Sean never even got the chance to be admitted into the NICU. Thinking of you.
I am so sorry that Scott didn't get to come home with you. A day where everyone talks about their trauma and loss is pretty overwhelming, but even more so when you experienced it. I read your story and it brought tears to my eyes. I imagined myself in your shoes and it was heartbreaking. I got to bring Bruce home after 99 days and we struggled through all of it. He is doing much better now and it is only now that I can truly see beyond my challenge and try to understand other people's. You have a right to all of your feelings even if other people might not understand them or if they seem irrational. They are not irrational, they just are what you are feeling and that is okay.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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