4 years ago Scott was born, and he died in a 2 week time span. In those 4years I've learned a lot about my experience, about me, and about people. I've learned that every year once I get through my husband's birthday and my oldest sons which are the first 2 days of June my emotions are going to become all over the place, and the anxiety is going to set in. I am learning the anxiety and "craziness" will arrive a few days before the "big" dates. His birthday, the day he died, his funeral. I'm learning to just accept that his is what June is like for me and to just survive it the best I can. It's going to happen and I just roll with it. As a family we try to turn as much of our experience into some thing positive. We let my oldest son choose a family active for us to do on his birthday. This weekend we went to Va since Scott's birthday fell on the weekend. We have also learned who we can count on, who "gets it" who we just distance ourselves from. I know this time of year I'm not much of a people person and I look for conflict. Which is very unusual for me because i'm the one who likes everything in it's place, everything fair, and am always kind. But this time of year I'm looking for a fight...I think because it's a way for me to let out the anger and unfairness I feel. So I avoid situations were i'm around a lot of people and having to socialize especially if I know people will be there who have said or done dumb things in relation with all that has happened. The one thing I do know is that these feelings this anxiousness will pass once June is over and that I have a support system I can lean on. I also know that Scott lives on in people's hearts and will never be forgotten.
My good friend recently had a baby on my oldest son's birthday. She was at his birthday party just about 40 wks and ready to pop. I did okay. Wasn't sure how I would do being that our last normal day 4 years ago was my son's bday and I was the one who looked ready to pop. She texted me the night of my son's actual birthday and told me she had had the baby. I felt privileged and felt like she was a true friend that out of everyone she could have personally contacted she contacts me merely hours after giving birth. The rest of the "world" did not get the news till the next day. I cried when I read her text and felt how unfair it was. But then I realized something. I realized that isn't her fault she had a healthy baby. It's unfair and I can feel bummed for me but I can't hold it against her or anyone who has baby. That was a huge step for me to think that, realize that. I thought on this all the next day. and I think I finally came to peace with things that I can think it's unfair that we most likely can't have anymore healthy pregnancy, I can think it's unfair that my son won't have a living sibling and yes it can suck but it's no ones fault. It's just life...I actually love seeing pics of her baby. and I can't wait to meet her.
So as my journey continues and years go by I'm learning a lot about myself and figuring more things out. Grief definitely takes time and it never goes away it just reshapes itself and in how you deal with. I think Share has helped me and everyone here who just gets it and gets when you just have one of those days where you just want to tell everyone where to go....volunteering with the MOD has helped. It has given me my family a way to do something in Scott's memory something positive that helps others and my family/friends. The past few years my close circle has really shaped itself into people I know that I can always count on and always confide in. So yes June is here again and yes it's bittersweet but the one thing I do know is that I will survive it and life will go on. I will have my bad days but I will also have my good ones. and Scott will always live on in our hearts.
I'm so sorry that June is so hard but totally get why it is. I'm also sorry that there are people who are less than kind to you about everything you've been through. Sometimes, people suck.
I love that your friend texted you herself when her baby was born. That's the sign of a true friend, one who understands what you've been through and that grief never goes away.
Wishing you as peaceful a June as possible.
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