I just wish people would back off and let things alone on certain things. My husband and I have been to church twice since Scott passed away. I tried going once a few weeks after his funeral and realized it was too soon. I then went Easter because C still goes to church with my parents and it was easier to go as a family than for him to have a million and one questions on why we didn't go together as a family on Easter. Luckily for us we don't go to the Christmas Eve service right now because the time it's held is when we have our big Polish family dinner on my dad's side of the family and the midnight mass is too late for C. I can't go to church right now I still am very angry in that department. I won't pray because I saw how prayer doesn't work. My husband and I had accepted that our son was getting well and was going to die. But when our prayers couldn't even be answered when they went from heal him to please take him so we don't have to make the decision...it's hard. It's hard to continue to pray and continue to go and worship and praise. Maybe one day we will go back for now we don't. Just working on a lot in that department. I think it's great those whose faith is unconditional and they can continue talking with God even when something like this happens for me it shook me and I'm a jumble of emotions. My mom is one of those people who has really strong faith and even with all her health issues( major ones). But she also respects were I'm at and doesn't push.
The church we attend is a very small Episcopal church were everyone knows everybody. I miss my church family and find ways to see everyone. Like visiting the thrift store that my church runs etc. They are some of the most supportive and kind people. Our minister is wonderful he married us, baptised C, and was there for us with Scott. When we got initial word from the doctor that things weren't looking good a few hours before our "big meeting" with all the specialist Father Skip was there within the hour when we called him. He sat with us in the meeting and then baptised our son. No big celebration like Colin got, no one there except for his parents and a nurse. A baptism that took 5 minutes. He performed our son's funeral and he didn't try to make it sound like it was okay that Scott was in heaven and now with Jesus during his eulogy. He just simply said I don't understand this either. Which meant more to my husband and I than any other words he could have said.
Well Father skip is retiring at the end of the year. How he will be missed. Today they had a tea at the church hall for his wife who is just as special. C and I went. ( C loves tea parties which I think is super cute) We had a good time and was enjoying seeing everyone. There is one dear sweet elderly lady who came up and was talking to us. She adores C and was asking why he hadn't been to church. As I said before he has been going with my parents but with both of our schedules it hasn't worked out for him to go in a while. Then she asked when Mom and Dad were going to go back. I simply said one day still working on things. We are having this conversation near the table where the minister and his wife were sitting. I know I talk loud and sometimes need to turn it down and usually realize it after the fact. This lady kept pushing and I felt backed into a corner...so I said still mad at the man upstairs and realized afterwards too loudly too many people heard including the minister.
What I hate is that I was the one one backed into a corner and I am the one who feels guilty, and horrible for my response only because it was said at a church and in front of the minister and his wife. When they had been celebrating all her ministry work.
Why can't people just let things be? I know she is of a different era and a different way of thinking. But I just need people to deal with the way things are in our life. You don't have to like it just deal with it. My one aunt has been the same way still trying to push. Just let us be when we are ready we will attend church again until then just back off.
Hmmm.....this is so understandable. I'm sorry that you feel bad for having to let that woman know what she should've already figured out. (and it being in the middle of the tea party) I'm sure the minister was probably giggling under his breath in celebration of your standing up to her. Maybe you could write a simple letter to the congregation that the minister could read explaining that you love and miss them, but at the time you're having to deal with the emotions of losing S. and that when you feel that you're able to handle church on a regular basis, you'll see them again. Always throw in there that you appreciate their prayers....makes them think they're doing something good when you know a few of them are just being nosey.
Church and god can be so hard especially when you cant understand how god could let you sweet scott pass instead of being with you. I started going to church again when i found out i was preg it was odd almost like a compulsion so for me i feel like it was skylar saying mommy you wilk need the church community when you learn i cant stay. In a way church is conforting to me i feel closer to her when i am there however with this all said our pastor n his wife lost a son shortly after birth so they are super understanding and constantly remind us that its okay even normal to be angry with god
Dont ever feel guilty for how you feel because losing scott has changed you in apl aspects of your life
I really think that so many of who have traveled the path of losing a child have felt these same feelings. I spent years being angry because other than myself who else was there to blame? I wondered why some women who didn't deserve to be mothers had perfectly healthy babies and I had to write a check to a crematory for mine. I was content being angry with God. One day Jer and I were at a gathering that was being held at one of the churches where we live and it being a small town the pastor came up and introduced himself. He asked where we attended church and I told him we didn't anymore. More questions came and I finally told him that we were angry and I told him why. His response to me was not what I expected. He told me that it was OK and that God understood. He told me that God had broad enough shoulders to handle my anger and that most importantly he wasn't angry, after all he had lost a son too once. He told us that it was a pleasure meeting us and that when we were ready he would love to see us again. I didn't go home and feel this huge weight lifted off of me or anything but it did give me pause. It made me think that if God is as mighty and all knowing as were are taught then the pastor was right. He would feel my pain and understand my feelings. He wouldn't be angry with me and damn me to hell. We have moved to attending about once a month and so far I am content with that. Only you and your husband know what is best for your family. What you are ready for. Take all the time that you need.
Oh I am so sorry that you were in that situation with the lady, and that you feel like you hurt the minister's feelings. It sounds like he was really there for you when you needed him, so I'm sure he is an understanding man. Many people just don't understand, and I really applaud you for keeping C so involved as he enjoys church. Please continue to move at your own pace and do what you feel is right, not what others feel you should be doing.
I agree with what Jami said, God can take your anger, he knows what it feels like to watch his child suffer and die. I have cried out to Him many times in anger, and I have not even lost a child. I hope that your family finds a balance with what works for you and your husband, as well as C.
I get this! It took me almost 6 years till I finally started attending church and let my "anger" to the man upstairs subside a little. I still have many many questions for him and feel like we are going to have a little pow-wow when I get there, I hate that she put you on the spot like that. I just wish people would just back off and let us angel moms grieve the way we need to and give us time. Funny how all those who have never lived it like to tell those who have just how we are suppose to do it! I would like to hop that your minister and his wife understand where you are coming from! Many many hugs to you dear friend!
I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I don't have the answers on how to fix it for you, all I can do is tell you what worked for me. I thought Jacoby was the answer to the desires of my heart, and now I look back, he was. But when he died, I was so angry with God. How could you take my son? Over and over again I heard him say, I gave my son for you, why do you think it's so unreasonable? OUCH! I was still angry. Until one day I saw Psalm 139 and it changed my perspective. in grief, that's what I totally believe we need... I believe we need a perspective shift at times. Psalm 139 taught me that God knew Jacoby would die and he chose me to be his mother. So then I asked, why? If you knew this would happen to me and you chose it for me, why did you chose for me to be the mother of a dead baby? As time moves on I slowly realize why, as a mom that's a HUGE pill to swallow and I would still trade anything for my son. But I know that's not my reality. My reality is that I was chosen to be the mother of a dead baby because of what God knew I would do with it. I hear people say all the time that how could this amazing loving God take our children... I too struggle with that. But what I usually say in response is he loved them. He loves you. Another thing that helped me; I recognized that I asked God to keep my son safe. When my water broke and I knew he'd suffocate, I asked God to keep him safe. I didn't say alive, I didn't say healthy, I didnt' say well... I said Safe. Is heaven not safe? I think you can go at this at your pace. I will tell you that Church was hard for me, not because I was angry with God but because when I was there, I felt the raw emotion I was trying to move away from. My heart was unhardened and my eyes flowed with tears. I know that when you go you will have your church family there. BUT remember this; you do NOT need to go to church to spend time with God. Maybe, just maybe, he wants you alone by yourself to pray at home to spend time with him at home. You should NOT feel guilty. My sister is a minister, I told her how angry I was that other people would get their babies and they were worthless parents... she said to me: God doesn't award babies based off merit. We have sex, we procreate, our bodies fail us, sometimes our children's bodies fail them. But babies are not awarded based off merit of who deserves a child. Hugs to you, I know this is such a tough topic. I wish that I had a chance to talk face to face with you and share my heart with you on this one. HUGS HUGS HUGS -- Tracey
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