I have been working really hard not to think about the fact that C starts Kindergarten in the fall. It's hard really hard for me to accept because I was suppose to be raising Scott. Spending special one on one time with him while his brother was in school. He would have been 2 and we could have done little classes together, story times, playgroups. I should still be apart of my MOMS group but I didn't renew this year because C is in school there is no need for me to be a part of it anymore. My job for the last 5 years as been raising Colin. I never thought I would like being a SAHM. I love it and feel so lucky that we are able to afford for me to be a SAHM. Now it's that big looming question, "What Now?" I sometimes feel like i got fired from my job. That when Scott passed away I was being told you don't get to the job anymore of what you love doing most of all. I know that I am still a mom, that I am a mom of two boys, and that C will always need me. But in a few weeks He won't be here everyday all day. I won't have him to hang out with, do fun acitivities. It makes me really sad thinking about it and when I do the tears start instantly. This wasn't the way it what suppose to be I should have had another 3 years of raising another child before thinking about what to do now. It stressed me out because I don't know what I want to be when I grow up as I jokingly say. I don't want to teach anymore and really can't because my certificate expired and I can't renew it til I get my Master's. So I'm entering this big unknown and I don't do well with that. I am a planner I have always known what I was going to do.
I know with time I will adjust and get used to C being in School. I love that he is excited about it. I know that there will be volunteer opportunities at his school. But it's just hard. It's hard when we are doing all the Kindergarten activities such as visiting his school or tomorrow having a playdate at the playground at his new school. Great things because it helps Colin ease into it which he needs. He is very much like me in that he has to check things out first before jumping in with both feet. But then I'm at these activities and the one with the tears in my eyes and trying really hard with all I got not to cry. No one gets how it's extra hard for me. I have friends who are like yeah that first day is hard. But I try to express that it's even harder for me. My whole life changes this fall when it should have been going a totally different path. I didn't choose this it chose me. and it still makes me angry that it was taken from me. It makes me mad that my child was chosen to only live for two weeks and that we weren't given the chance to raise him. I just wish those around me would understand just how sad, and anxious C starting school makes me. Not only because my role at home is altered greatly but because I have to give him up to other people all day every day. We've seen the news and seen what can happen in schools now. It's hard to let go especially when I just want to hold on tight he's all I got. But I also know that this is my battle and not C. That I have to let him grow and be a part of the world. It's really hard not to be selfish but I continue to find the strength to do it.
Today was the official last day of preschool. Friday is a picnic. I dropped C off and was driving to do my errands and I just starting crying. That it's over. My life in a couple months changes once again. I should have an almost 2 year old in the backseat. I think about what he would look like, be doing in my head and the adventures we would be having.
Just trying to hold it together and hope that I'm not that mom Friday at the picnic totally falling to pieces during their little surprise presentation they are having. It's time like these where I wish I could have all my Share friends there for backup. Because if I did fall to pieces you all would get why and know that I"m just not that "crazy" momma. or who knows maybe I am...;p
It's hard enough to let your oldest child go to school, real school, for the first time but to add to that the fact that your younger child isn't here like he should be, and it's a recipe for tears and grief. Please know that you're not crazy. Everything you are feeling is so understandable.
Colin is going to do great in kindergarten and you will figure out what you want and where you want to be. I know that sounds simple and I know that it really isn't simple but things usually just work out. You'll either start volunteering at his school or something else will come up and whatever it is you'll be amazing because it's what you do. :-)
Thinking of you,
I know that it's hard. I have many of these same thoughts and feelings too. My angel would be starting Kinder this Fall if things had been different. I think you're doing such a great job holding it together:) Give yourself credit:) The picnic will be hard and the first day of Kinder too. Seeing C go off to make new friends, learning, and coming home to tell you all about his day will continue to make you proud. You will find that special something to help occupy some of your day. Maybe if being around other kiddos is too much, you could do some behind the scenes volunteering things like making copies or prepping materials. You can keep a low profile and even take things home to work on. You'll just know. It's also so okay to use this time for YOU. Believe me, there are many days where I say to myself, "Now what?"
Oh Nicki -
I can see why this would be such a hard time for you. Not only are you sending your son who you have spent your days with for the last 5 years to school....but you are grieving the loss of what you hoped this time would bring with it...more one on one time with Scott.
Be gentle on yourself. Know that if you do cry in front of the other parents, that it's ok. You are certainly not crazy...and I doubt they will think you are...and even if they did - well - that's on them!
I'm sure that the months ahead must seem really daunting to you....but you will get through them...one day at a time...one hour at a time...one minute at a time. One foot in front of the other - you will do it. You will find your way.
Lots of love,
p.s....I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up too.... :)
You are most definitely not crazy! Kaelin finished with preschool this past week and will start kinder in August. Even though I was ready for preschool to be over (lots of running back and forth in between work) -- when it was over this week, I cried. Kaelin's been home with me after school four days a week for the last nine months and now she'll go the sitter in the summer. Goes way too fast.
You are not crazy for feeling the way you do -- and thinking how it should have been. I think about that every day with my two sons who aren't here.
I agree with Tommie -- you'll find volunteer activities with his kinder class and will able to be as involved as you want to be. I enjoyed volunteering with K's pre-K class and hope to do it with kinder as well.
I completely dread Keira's first day of Kindergarten. I even put off pre-K until the fall because I really didn't want to accept her going to school, so I can completely relate. Alexia is in K this year and I can tell you that there are a LOT of volunteer opportunities. So in my opinion you can wait one more year to decide what you want to be when you grow up. :)
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