Share Your Story

I learned a little bit more about me this Mother's day weekend and how I have been dealing with the loss of Scott.  We went away this weekend to the beach  for the MS Walk.  We walked with my SIL's team and decided to make it a long weekend.  I decided before we left that we were going to unplug this weekend so we used no internet nor did we watch tv the entire weekend.  When we first got there and got settled into the hotel it hit me and it hit me hard that the last time I had been to Ocean city was in 2012 when I was 7 months pregnant with Scott and we were there for the MS walk.  On top of that we had stayed at the same hotel that we had stayed at before.  I started of course thinking and thinking about how things were so different then.  The hope and dreams we had for Scott, for our whole family.  How blissfully unaware we were of what was to come a few weeks later.  I started than of course to get very anxious.  I got very bad anxiety after losing Scott and would dwell on the most horrible things and scenerios.  and then I realized that one of the ways I have been able to move forward is by keeping busy very busy.  If I don't sit still for too long I can't think, If I watch Tv while knitting or quilting I can't think...I realized that I haven't really let myself just sit and reflect since losing Scott.  I couldn't or I would just sink back into depression.  so I told myself to push through it and to have fun, enjoy my family.  Well Something good came  this weekend I did  had fun and I didn't need all the distractions I had been giving myself for the past two years. I still had my moments were thoughts would creep in but other than that it was good.  I sat on the beach and just looked at the ocean without needing to read the entire time..  I enjoyed Colin and played in the sand with him and got sandy all over.  I laughed I really laughed without faking it at times.  I went to the arcade and had fun and ( probably spent way too much money in there!) colin now proudly carries around his firetruck mommy won him skeeballing as he say.s.  ( I love love skeeball in arcades)  We went to dinner and played miniature golf.  one night it was way past Colin's bedtime and we were returning to the hotel we were staying at the boardwalk.  Colin had a nap that day and was still being pleasant I turned to my husband and said lets walk and get ice cream.  so we walked a few blocks down the boardwalk and got ice cream cones and ate them while walking back to our hotel.  It started raining and I just laughed and told Colin how fun it was to be eating ice cream in the rain.  How he loved it and I just thought to myself what a great memory we all just made and for Colin to think of later in life.  colin gave me the most precious gift he made at a school a box I can never unwrap for it's filled with his love, kisses, and hugs. Whenever I'm lonely I just hold it to my heart.  How it made me want to bursts into tears to receive such a precious gift and how appropriate of a gift it was for me.  Because so many times I do feel lonely and sad.  But loving how Colin even demonstrated to me how to use it.  Then room service showing up with my breakfast that Colin had insisted they order for mommy.  such a special morning eating breakfast on the balcony with my boys in my pj's.  Such a special weekend spending it with my boys and my brothers and their spouses.  and not only that but learning out to find joy again this weekend.  and I learned it's okay to keep Scott to myself at times because when a couple and their son had walked over so the boys could play and I got asked the question of is he your only one I said yes it felt okay.  Because right then I didn't want to share Scott's story and i was okay with that without feeling the guilt of not sharing him.  and I knew that it was okay for me to continue to let go more of my grief and embrace being happy and I knew that Scott was saying it's okay because as I sat on the beach one afternoon a yellow butterfly flew right by me and I knew it was him saying Hi and that he liked seeing me truly happy.