I learned a little bit more about me this Mother's day weekend and how I have been dealing with the loss of Scott. We went away this weekend to the beach for the MS Walk. We walked with my SIL's team and decided to make it a long weekend. I decided before we left that we were going to unplug this weekend so we used no internet nor did we watch tv the entire weekend. When we first got there and got settled into the hotel it hit me and it hit me hard that the last time I had been to Ocean city was in 2012 when I was 7 months pregnant with Scott and we were there for the MS walk. On top of that we had stayed at the same hotel that we had stayed at before. I started of course thinking and thinking about how things were so different then. The hope and dreams we had for Scott, for our whole family. How blissfully unaware we were of what was to come a few weeks later. I started than of course to get very anxious. I got very bad anxiety after losing Scott and would dwell on the most horrible things and scenerios. and then I realized that one of the ways I have been able to move forward is by keeping busy very busy. If I don't sit still for too long I can't think, If I watch Tv while knitting or quilting I can't think...I realized that I haven't really let myself just sit and reflect since losing Scott. I couldn't or I would just sink back into depression. so I told myself to push through it and to have fun, enjoy my family. Well Something good came this weekend I did had fun and I didn't need all the distractions I had been giving myself for the past two years. I still had my moments were thoughts would creep in but other than that it was good. I sat on the beach and just looked at the ocean without needing to read the entire time.. I enjoyed Colin and played in the sand with him and got sandy all over. I laughed I really laughed without faking it at times. I went to the arcade and had fun and ( probably spent way too much money in there!) colin now proudly carries around his firetruck mommy won him skeeballing as he say.s. ( I love love skeeball in arcades) We went to dinner and played miniature golf. one night it was way past Colin's bedtime and we were returning to the hotel we were staying at the boardwalk. Colin had a nap that day and was still being pleasant I turned to my husband and said lets walk and get ice cream. so we walked a few blocks down the boardwalk and got ice cream cones and ate them while walking back to our hotel. It started raining and I just laughed and told Colin how fun it was to be eating ice cream in the rain. How he loved it and I just thought to myself what a great memory we all just made and for Colin to think of later in life. colin gave me the most precious gift he made at a school a box I can never unwrap for it's filled with his love, kisses, and hugs. Whenever I'm lonely I just hold it to my heart. How it made me want to bursts into tears to receive such a precious gift and how appropriate of a gift it was for me. Because so many times I do feel lonely and sad. But loving how Colin even demonstrated to me how to use it. Then room service showing up with my breakfast that Colin had insisted they order for mommy. such a special morning eating breakfast on the balcony with my boys in my pj's. Such a special weekend spending it with my boys and my brothers and their spouses. and not only that but learning out to find joy again this weekend. and I learned it's okay to keep Scott to myself at times because when a couple and their son had walked over so the boys could play and I got asked the question of is he your only one I said yes it felt okay. Because right then I didn't want to share Scott's story and i was okay with that without feeling the guilt of not sharing him. and I knew that it was okay for me to continue to let go more of my grief and embrace being happy and I knew that Scott was saying it's okay because as I sat on the beach one afternoon a yellow butterfly flew right by me and I knew it was him saying Hi and that he liked seeing me truly happy.
Oh Nicole, I am so glad you had this weekend. Colin's gift is making me cry - its so sweet. I do that busy busy busy thing too. Its hard to let go of that need to just keep your mind going. I am so glad you did and that letting go of the distractions let you have such a joyful weekend full of wonderful memories. And especially that Scott sent you a sign to let you know he was happy to see you happy. Reading this makes me smile.
This is such a beautiful post. I love that Scott said hi to you through that butterfly and that you could feel him wanting you to be happy.
Colin will definitely remember that night of ice cream in the rain and you being there, really present in that moment with him.
Much love to you,
It makes me happy to hear that you are able to enjoy the little things in life and to create happy memories with Colin without feeling guilty. I will pray that this feeling of happiness will continue to shine throughout all your days ahead.
Oh Nicki - what a beautiful post. I'm so glad that you got away this weekend and really were able to unwind and enjoy yourself. We do what we need to do while we grieve. It sounds like for the first time in a long time you were able to really just relax and let go a bit. Wonderful memories that you made, indeed!
I know that feeling too of letting go of that feeling like you want to/have to tell everyone about the baby you lost. In fact, I recently just wrote about this. Our little ones always know that we love them no matter what. If you keep him to yourself when asked how many kids you have, that does not mean that you love him any less. The heart of a mother who has lost a baby is an extremely tender one, and you just have to tune in and listen to what it needs.
p.s. Skeeball is my favorite arcade game!!
I am so glad that you had such and incredibly healing weekend. You are so right it is OK to keep Scott to yourself sometimes. I do this simply because I do not want to deal with other people's reactions when I share Arianna. Sometimes I just want the conversation to stay simple and superficial.
What a wonderful gift that C gave you. He is such a sweet and thoughtful little boy. I am super jealous of your awesome weekend. Also love how the butterfly was yellow, definitely Scott saying hi.
I love this blog!! You really gave me goosebumps!! It is so amazing to see you have reach such an amazing point in your journey. Your story brought me to HAPPY tears!!
Happy Tears and Big hugs,
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